Sunday, July 12, 2015


I rarely feel jealous.

I'm not sure why.  I think mostly, most of the time, there aren't things other people have that I want, plus, I don't see other people having things as meaning I don't have those things.  I don't look at life that way.  I don't think there is a great scarcity of resources.  I tend to operate more from a model of abundance.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but there it is.

And when I do feel jealous, it's usually not over things.  I'm not very into material things.  I'm more likely to feel jealous of, say, someone that has a great, caring, loving, supportive family than of someone that has money or material stuff.

Also, I don't think jealousy is a very useful or productive emotion, at least not most of the time.  Of course, emotions aren't always productive and they don't have to be and the fact that an emotion isn't useful or helpful doesn't mean I never feel it.  But maybe that is part of why I don't feel jealous very often.

But a few days ago, I felt intense jealousy over something.  And it was such a strong feeling that it seemed interesting and note-worthy to me.

I have a friend who has a friend that is trying to raise money to get a service dog for a family member.  She started a Go Fund Me account to raise money.  I did that, too, when I was fundraising for Isaac.

In 11 days, she has raised over $4,000.

It took me a year to raise about half that amount.

I don't quite get why I feel jealous about that.  I mean, I already have a service dog.  Yeah, it was really hard for me to raise the money and she's not having nearly the trouble raising money that I did.  But I already have a service dog.  So what difference does it make, at this point, how long it took me to raise the money?  I did it.  I have my dog.

Also, the program I think she has decided to go with is charging her more than four times what Isaac's program charged me.  So she's raised over $4,000 but that's only about 20 percent of what she has to raise.  So.... well, I'm not sure what difference that makes, either.  Except that it's not like she's almost to her goal in 11 days.  Although she's almost to the amount that my goal was.

But it's not like she's getting something I want but can't get.  It's not like people giving her money for a service dog is keeping me from getting a service dog.  I already have a service dog.  Maybe she feels jealous of that.

I don't know.  I think maybe it's about the fact that she has friends and family members that are so supportive.  Maybe I'm really jealous of that, not the money or how fast she's getting it.  But that doesn't even seem right to me, rationally speaking.  I mean, larger donations does not necessarily equal caring more.  I remember one friend sending me $5 and saying she wished she could send more, and I know that $5 was a stretch for her financially at that time, and I don't think she cared less about me just because she couldn't donate $100 or $1,000.

I don't like feeling jealous.

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