Yesterday I went to the library. When I went to the desk to check out, I discovered I owed a fine. Apparently I was a couple days late returning some DVD's. Crap.
I didn't have any cash with me so I asked if I could pay the fine by credit card. The librarian said she couldn't take the payment by credit card, but pointed to a computer across the room and said I could log on to the library's website and pay it by credit card there. She was going to give me a paper with some instructions on it but couldn't find the paper, so she said she would write it down for me. But all she wrote down was the website address. She told me to log in, put in my PIN (I have no clue what my PIN even is, but she said the website would allow me to change it to a new PIN when I got online).
Well, I went over to that computer and I could not even figure out how to get online. The library's catalog was open and I could not find a way to close it. There was nothing I could see to click on to open an internet browser and no place to type in an internet address.
I started getting really, really anxious. I couldn't figure out how to get to the library's website, let alone how to pay my fine from there. I ended up just leaving the library in a panic. I made it to my car before I started to cry. Then I called Mike on my cell phone, wanting him to talk me down or something. Unfortunately, he was at work and was very busy and didn't have time to talk to me right then.
I drove home, still crying. I felt like an idiot and was angry at myself, not only for not being able to figure it out, but for having such an extreme reaction to something I knew in my head was not that big a deal. But this happens to me with my depression and PTSD. Relatively minor things feel huge. Knowing that I'm overreacting doesn't stop the overreaction. If anything, it just adds to the frustration.
Mike finally called me back, reminded me to take my anxiety medication, and told me to lie down and take a nap. I did, and I felt marginally better when I woke up, but all in all the rest of the day was not very good. I hate it that something so small can ruin a whole day.
How would things have been different if I'd had my service dog? Well, Isaac would have picked up on the fact that I was getting anxious. He would have gotten my medication out of my bag and told me to take it. I probably would have needed to go out to my car to take it, since I need something to drink with the medicine and I had a drink out in the car, although I could have gotten a drink at the water fountain inside the library lobby. Isaac would have directed me to a quiet place, anyway, like the car, so I could sit down and calm down a bit. He would have put his head in my lap, asking me to pet him. I would have focused on petting him and that would have helped me get my breathing under control and helped me relax a bit.
I'm not just imagining what I would like to happen when I have my service dog. I mean, I'm imagining what I think my response to Isaac's actions will be, but these are tasks he will be trained to perform. These are things he will do for me and the likelihood is high that I'll respond in this way to him when he does these things.
If I'd had Isaac with me yesterday, it's possible that I would have been able to go back into the library and ask the librarian for assistance paying the fine after I'd had a few moments to myself to calm down. Or I might have been able to drive to an ATM machine and withdraw some cash, then gone back to the library and paid the fine that way. Even if I'd been unable to take care of the fine yesterday, I would have been in better shape by the time I'd gotten home. I would have had my medication in a timely manner. I would have been able to function better the rest of the day. Because I would not have been so anxious and depressed the rest of the day, I would have slept better last night. I would not have been so tired and irritable when I got up this morning.
This is a real life, everyday example of how a trained service dog will help me and significantly improve my quality of life.
That sucks that you reacted that way and that the librarian couldn't have been more helpful. It's good that you provided a practical example of how a service dog could have helped!
ReplyDeleteYeah, she certainly could have been more helpful. But it was a huge overreaction on my part. I feel like with the depression, I just lack problem solving skills.
ReplyDeleteSorry to be so late with this.....but no, you don't lack problem solving skills. Anxiety is MISERY. It gets you to the point where you can't think straight, you feel overwhelmed and panicky, feel that everyone can tell how "inept" you are at the simplest of tasks. I hate anxiety, and especially that it strikes with no warning. I can be in the grocery store, my regular store that I shop in all the time, and if I can't find something I have a response very similar to you. I have actually had to leave the store - leave my basket of groceries stranded. Please don't put yourself down by saying you overreacted or don't have problem solving skills. NOBODY does when hit by anxiety. I hope you have success obtaining your service dog, I think he would be a great comfort to you. It's so hard to be in that state and all alone. Know that others are thinking of you and hoping Isaac will come along soon.
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