It was a big onion, so I was pushing the knife hard to get through it. Somehow, my hand slipped and I sliced open my finger. I knew right away it was a bad cut. The blood pooling instantly on the cutting board under my hand was one clue. I hurried to the sink, ran cold water over it, and wrapped it in a clean rag. It was hard to get a good look at how deep the cut was because it wouldn't stop bleeding. I finally wrapped a bandage really tight around it and finished chopping my onion.
I decided I would wait an hour, then take off the bandage and see if the bleeding had stopped. I was scared. I was pretty sure it needed a stitch or two, but there was no way I was going to the emergency room.
It occurred to me, as I was sitting there hoping the bleeding would stop, that if I went to the ER, they might not believe me that it was an accident. What if they thought I did it on purpose? If they saw the scars on my arms, they would know those wounds were self-inflicted. They might not believe me when I said I hadn't done this on purpose. If they thought I had injured myself, they might think I should be admitted to the hospital. They could do a three day involuntary admission. Who would take care of Isaac? What about Cayenne's appointment with the vet tomorrow?
It had occurred to me before that I would not be able to go to the ER if I had a cut that needed stitches. It had not, however, occurred to me until today that even if the cut was the result of an accident, they might not believe me. I was anxious and upset, thinking about it.
Since it had occurred to me that I would not be able to go to the ER if I needed stitches, I bought a surgical stapler. Did you know you can buy those on Amazon? Seriously. Cost me $10. I hoped I would never need to use it, but I had it on hand, just in case.
I decided I would wait an hour, then take off the bandage and see if the cut was still bleeding. If it was, I would put a staple in it to close it. Well, when the hour was up, I was afraid to take off the bandage. I was afraid it would still be bleeding. I didn't want to have to staple it. I ended up waiting 90 minutes before I took off the bandage. And, wouldn't you know it, it started bleeding as soon as I uncovered the wound.
I started preparing to staple the cut closed. I got the stapler, then I got the staple remover (in case I did it wrong or something and had to take the staple out right away). I took four Tylenol, the only pain reliever I have right now. I took some of my anxiety medication, too. I got some clean bandages, some topical antibiotic ointment, and a clean rag. I sat down on the couch next to Isaac.
I opened the stapler and I decided to do a couple practice staples first. I wanted to make sure I knew exactly how to line up the stapler with the cut and how hard I would have to squeeze it and everything like that. So I stapled a piece of cloth a few times. It seemed easy enough.
I cleaned off my finger and positioned the stapler and... I just couldn't do it. I could not bring myself to squeeze it.
I give myself B12 shots every week. I used to be squeamish about that. But I found a trick to doing it that works for me. I line up the needle, then I look away, think about something else, and really quick, stick myself. It doesn't even hurt. It's just hard to stick myself if I'm looking, if I'm thinking about it.
I thought I would use the same trick if I had to staple myself. But I couldn't do it. I tried to make myself, and I just couldn't.
I finally gave up, cleaned off my finger again, and wrapped a bandage really tight around it. It's not bleeding if it's wrapped tight. My plan now is to leave the bandage on for at least 24 hours, probably longer. I'm annoyed that I couldn't staple the wound shut and I'm annoyed that I opened my sterile surgical stapler so it is no longer sterile. It's supposed to be a single use only device. I wiped it off with rubbing alcohol, though. I might keep it. Although I don't know if there's a point in keeping it, if I can't actually make myself use it.
I am exhausted now.