I've been struggling since my biopsy. You know, I feel like the surgery went pretty well. Yeah, the nurse in radiology was rude and difficult, but it turned out OK because the radiologist was so great. And I complained to the hospital about that nurse and their response was good. My recovery has been pretty easy, too. I've had some pain but nothing too bad, and I have adequate pain medication, so that's been OK. I was sleepy for a couple days, but that's not bad, either. So I think it went well.
I'm not afraid of what the results might be. I think they are going to turn out OK, but even if they don't, I'm not afraid of it. I am a bit worried about how I would deal with further treatment, if it was needed, but I'm not terribly worried about it.
So I don't know why I've been having such a hard time since the surgery, but I have. I think it just triggered a lot of the PTSD stuff for me. I've had nightmares almost every night, which is even more than I've been having them since my hospitalization last November. And that's when I'm able to fall asleep at all. I've been up a lot during the night lately, just feeling too scared to go to sleep.
I've been feeling depressed and angry, too, about not being able to get any kind of therapy now. I mean, I could go to therapy if I wanted to. If I felt safe enough. But I don't feel safe enough. If I went to therapy, I'd feel like I had to be so careful to make sure I didn't say the wrong thing, to make sure I didn't say anything that could possible lead anyone to think I might injure myself or anything like that, to make sure there was no reason they could possibly try to hospitalize me. And what's the point of going to therapy if you can't talk freely about how you're feeling? Going to therapy and trying to pretend everything is just fine would just be work. It would be stressful. And I don't see any benefit to it. I just see risk.
I have all this stuff I feel like I can't talk to anyone about. I can't go to therapy and talk about it. Who am I supposed to talk to? But I don't know how someone is supposed to just hold it all inside, either.