Thursday, May 23, 2013

I've Been Struggling

I've been struggling since my biopsy.  You know, I feel like the surgery went pretty well.  Yeah, the nurse in radiology was rude and difficult, but it turned out OK because the radiologist was so great.  And I complained to the hospital about that nurse and their response was good.  My recovery has been pretty easy, too.  I've had some pain but nothing too bad, and I have adequate pain medication, so that's been OK.  I was sleepy for a couple days, but that's not bad, either.  So I think it went well.

I'm not afraid of what the results might be.  I think they are going to turn out OK, but even if they don't, I'm not afraid of it.  I am a bit worried about how I would deal with further treatment, if it was needed, but I'm not terribly worried about it.

So I don't know why I've been having such a hard time since the surgery, but I have.  I think it just triggered a lot of the PTSD stuff for me.  I've had nightmares almost every night, which is even more than I've been  having them since my hospitalization last November.  And that's when I'm able to fall asleep at all.  I've been up a lot during the night lately, just feeling too scared to go to sleep.

I've been feeling depressed and angry, too, about not being able to get any kind of therapy now.  I mean, I could go to therapy if I wanted to.  If I felt safe enough.  But I don't feel safe enough.  If I went to therapy, I'd feel like I had to be so careful to make sure I didn't say the wrong thing, to make sure I didn't say anything that could possible lead anyone to think I might injure myself or anything like that, to make sure there was no reason they could possibly try to hospitalize me.  And what's the point of going to therapy if you can't talk freely about how you're feeling?  Going to therapy and trying to pretend everything is just fine would just be work.  It would be stressful.  And I don't see any benefit to it.  I just see risk.

I have all this stuff I feel like I can't talk to anyone about.  I can't go to therapy and talk about it.  Who am I supposed to talk to?  But I don't know how someone is supposed to just hold it all inside, either.


  1. I am sorry you are struggling so much with the ptsd. I understand that you are afraid about saying something wrong to a psych professional. I wish there was something I could say to you that could bring you at least a small amount of comfort. At least you understand what your issues are and thereby hopefully can overcome them enough to be able to get help.

    You have my best wishes and prayers!

  2. So sorry you've having such a hard time, Kelly. Didn't you have a therapist at one point? Would it be possible to see him/her again? And be very up front about your fears of saying the wrong thing and ending up back in the hospital. I think for someone who's been through what you have, especially last fall, it's not unreasonable to have these fears and I would think any competent therapist would realize that. Could your PCP be of any assistance with this, maybe prescribe something for the anxiety you're dealing with? At least to get you to the point where you're comfortable discussing these issues with a therapist? Anxiety SUCKS, and I personally have told my therapist(s) straight out that I would rather be dead than have to deal with the level of anxiety that I once did - a total nightmare of several panic attacks a day, every day, afraid to leave the house, afraid to sleep, afraid of the dark, and on and on. I've told them right up front that if they are not willing to prescribe enough medication to control these symptoms that I will seek care from another professional. The same thing goes for ever being hospitalized for mental health issues - I will NEVER be hospitalized again, I came home much sicker than when I was admitted. There were a couple who were unwilling to rx the meds necessary to keep my anxiety disorder under control, so I moved on. But none of them made any move to have me hospitalized because of my stipulations. I think it's perfectly reasonable to state what your needs are and what kind of treatment you will and will not accept - if a therapist has a problem with that, hit the door! They can't physically hold you in their office - and even if they were so inclined, by the time they summoned assistance to admit you, you'd be long gone. Sorry to ramble on and on. My heart goes out to you - I recall all too well having to live with that level of anxiety and I don't think anyone should have to live like that. I hope you can find someone who will be willing to listen first and accept your treatment needs....please don't give up, there's no need to have to live like that. You WILL find someone who's willing to work with you.

    1. Thanks for your comments and support. I don't know if my PCP would prescribe something for anxiety or not. I haven't felt comfortable asking her.

      Like you, I came home from the hospital much, much sicker than when I was admitted. Before that hospitalization, I was having nightmares a few times a month. Now, six months later, I still have them several times a week. Before being hospitalized, it had been a couple of years since I'd woken up at night screaming, and that's happened several times since the hospitalization. I think I've managed to sleep with the light off four time since then. I have had anxiety attacks much more frequently.

      As bad as it is now, I can scarcely imagine how much worse it would be if I was hospitalized again. I don't think I could get through it.