I'm sure by now everyone has heard about the death of Mindy McCready. I wasn't a huge fan, but I watched her a few years ago on Celebrity Rehab. I know, I know... but sometimes I like reality television. I admit it. I think her music was OK, but I was really impressed by how hard she was working to get her life together. She'd experienced a lot of loss and trauma in her life and was fighting hard.
And she didn't make it. It's sad. I guess it's not surprising, but it's sad.
She shot herself, which I guess goes to show you how serious she was about wanting to end it. Shooting yourself isn't always fatal, but it often is. Women tend to overdose on pills or cut their wrists when they want to commit suicide, which is why, while they attempt suicide more often than men, they are less likely than men to actually die. Men are more likely to shoot themselves, so when they attempt suicide, they are more likely than women to actually die.
Something that is scary to me, though, is that it is possible to survive a self-inflicted gunshot wound, and if you do survive, you're probably going to be very, very miserable. I have a second cousin that shot himself in the head many years ago. He lived. He's brain damaged, has the intellect of a child now. But he's alive. My neighbor shot himself in the head almost a year ago and blew off most of his face. But he lived. Nearly a year later, he's still in a nursing home, being fed through a tube, unable to eat or speak, but alert, aware of what's going on around him and where he is and what is happening to him and to his family. How awful is that?
But Mindy McCready died. She shot and killed her dog before turning the gun on herself. I understand that. She didn't want to leave her dog behind. I know this sounds awful, but when I've thought of killing myself (and no, I am not suicidal now), I've thought of taking Cayenne with me. I was worried about what would happen to her if I left her behind. Mike has promised me that if something happens to me, he will take care of Cayenne. But she is diabetic. I don't trust him to remember to give her the insulin shots twice a day. She pees all over the place. I'm not sure he would want to continue to put up with that, if I was gone. So I've thought of taking her with me.
When I first heard of Mindy's death, I thought immediately of her song, "I'm Still Here."
I'm okay, I'm alright
Hurricanes and train wrecks only last one night
Would you believe all I've been through?
Had the hands of tempted fate
Oh, if you only knew
What it costs, how I wait
What I got, what I gave
I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here
There was darkness, all around me
There were times I was sure I was drowning
There were people, who tried to reach me
But no matter how they loved me, I kept sinking
I got tired of my own hell, I reached inside and I saved myself
I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here
This time I can survive.
I ain't dying on nobody else's cross
I ain't sufferin' no more unforgivin' loss
Oh, no.
I'm still here...
After the heartache, after the storm blew through
I kept me and it saved me
And I'm still standin', right where you left me
On a cold dark cloud, with nowhere to fall but down
Like a single, naked unrelenting tear...
I'm still here
I'm still here
But this time she couldn't save herself. It's just so sad.
My daugher was a fan of Mindy. I hate suicide. I understand feeling depressed and wanting to not be around anymore but I couldn't picture ever doing it. And the worst part is it's so selfish because it leaves behind the family menbers and friends who wonder what they could have done to help and to live without the person who killed themself. It's awful that Mindy shot herself too. And took her dog with her. That poor dog. It's incomprehensible to me that we have a problem with suicide with all the medicine and therapy available now. Mindy was a great artist and had a lot going for her and it's a huge waste and disappointment. I hope that you never do anything like this. No matter how bad things seem, they get better and suicide solves nothing. it creates more misery.
ReplyDeleteI know many people think suicide is selfish, and I think those are usually people that have never been so depressed that they were suicidal. I don't think it's selfish to want unbearable pain to stop. I don't think it's selfish to decide you are simply unable to take the pain anymore. Sometimes depression is a fatal illness. It's no more selfish to die from depression than it is to die from cancer. No one calls a cancer patient selfish if they die, do they?
DeleteYes, there is plenty of medication and therapy available now. But what about those of us that have tried more than 30 different drugs and been in therapy for more than ten years, and are still depressed? Treatment for depression works for many people. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for everyone. I'm not advocating suicide as a solution, but I can see why someone might feel that was the only option they had left.
I didn't think of it that way, Kelly. I would never consider a cancer patient to be selfish. Except maybe if the person refused to get treatment for the cancer. It's more complicated when a person has tried many different treatments and drugs and nothing works and they see suicide as the only option. I've never been depressed to the point of being suicidal so I can only imagine how horrible it would feel. It sucks that treatment for depression doesn't work for everyone. Thanks for the reminder that not everything works all the time.
ReplyDeleteKelly,
ReplyDeletePeople who have not experienced severe chronic depression just don't get it. And I get sick of hearing their uninformed opinions. Those suffering from this god awful illness are at the point where they feel that those left behind will be better off not having to deal with this crap. After 30+ years of fighting this, sometimes I get tired. Just so tired of trying to keep up the facade of a "normal" functioning member of society. Yeah, right. Of course I am. The only thing that any doctor told me that made me stop in my tracks was how difficult it was for the children affected by the suicide of a parent, that he had treated them and that it was a lifelong trauma for them. That stopped me then. My daughter was about 10. Now, she is 30. She has her own life with good job, boyfriend, circle of friends, etc. So now that deterrent isn't so strong. No, I'm not advocating suicide. But here I am contemplating WLS and I just wonder, "what for, why bother?". It's not going to help the depression, I'm not depressed because I'm fat. I wasn't fat when the depression set in. I'm depressed because I have an illness that does not respond to treatment. Some kind person on OH asked me "How long are you going to hide behind your depression?" Charming and oh so sensitive, huh? I give up. Thank you for allowing me to vent. And thank you for having to courage to write about this reality.
Kathy
WLS didn't cure my depression, of course, and I didn't expect it to. I think it did improve my quality of life, though. It helped with some health problems and I feel better physically and it was worth it, to me.
DeleteAs far as hiding behind the depression... I don't even know what to say to that.
No, I certainly don't expect WLS to cure my depression. At most, maybe give me a little more energy. What I am concerned about is my ability to follow thru with the postop requirements, and if the loss of food, albeit temporarily for most things, will make the depression worse. Don't think I can handle worse.
DeleteK.
Just for the record, I went through a major episode of depression about ten years ago when my daughter was five, so I do know what depression is like and am not talking out of ignorance. I was suicidal and the only thing that kept me going was the fact I was a single mother raising a child and I didnt want to deprive her of the only parent she had. It took meds and therapy and time and it did get better for me. Not that it does for everyone though. I guess I am lucky.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad the treatment worked for you. And I'm glad you were able to hang in there for your child. I think losing a parent to suicide has to be one of the hardest things for a child to deal with.
DeleteSeveral years ago, a good friend of mine called me on the phone and told me she was getting ready to take a bottle of pills. Her husband had gone out to run and errand and was supposed to be home soon, so I wanted to just keep her on the phone and away from the pills until he got home to help her. She lives in another state, so it wasn't like I could just run over there and help. I reminded her that her daughter needed her and she was crying and asking me to please tell her daughter that she loved her. I kept saying, "I'll tell her, but I don't think she's going to believe me. She needs you to love her enough to stay alive." And my friend does love her daughter. She loves her very, very much. But at that moment, her pain was just stronger than that love. And that's not an indication that her love for her daughter was weak. It's an indication of how incredibly strong her pain was.
She did end up taking the bottle of pills while she was on the phone with me, by the way. I hung up and called 911, and then tried to call her back, but she didn't answer. I was terrified. And pissed. I was really, really pissed, because I felt so helpless. I kept calling back until her husband answered and then I told him what she'd taken and that an ambulance was on the way, and she got to the hospital in time and they saved her.
You're a good friend, Kelly.
ReplyDeleteK.