Thursday, August 21, 2014

Tuesday, August 26, 2:45 pm

That is the day and the time that Cayenne will leave this earth.

How strange is that, to know the exact day and time one will die?

The decision was made yesterday, after much soul-searching and a long talk with the vet.  I don't think she is in much pain, I don't think she is really suffering yet, but her condition is definitely deteriorating. 

She had surgery to remove two large masses on her belly at the beginning of May and now, less than four months later, she has multiple small masses and one the size of a large grape.  Two days ago, I noticed the skin was starting to break down again.  She has a few small sores and they look and smell infected.  I think the infection and skin ulcers are unlikely to clear up and heal, since they didn't in May.  That's why we had to do the surgery.

She has lost weight, I'm not sure how much, but she has little appetite these days.  The only things I can get her to eat now are Pounce brand cat treats and chicken or turkey baby food.  She hasn't eaten dry cat food in a while.  She recently began refusing wet cat food.  She will not even eat minced hot dog, minced chicken breast or shredded cheese.  I would think she was having dental problems or maybe a sore throat since she is happy to eat baby food, except she is also happy to eat Pounce treats and she has to chew those and she requests them often.  She does seem to enjoy the baby food but only eats a small amount at a time.  A few days ago, she surprised me by eating a total of seven tablespoons of baby food in a whole day.  That surprised me because for the two or three days preceding that one, she's only eaten about two tablespoons per day.

Remember, Cayenne has always loved food.  All sorts of food.  To see her refused minced hot dog is mind-boggling.  And heart-breaking.

Over the last week, she has peed on my couch multiple times.  She has only gotten off the couch to pee twice in a week.  Now, peeing on the couch is not real unusual for Cayenne.  That's why my couch is covered with cheap shower curtains and old towels.  But peeing on it daily is a bit unusual.  I think she doesn't feel well enough to bother getting off the couch to pee.

When she walks, not all the time but often, she seems kind of wobbly.  That just started in the last week.  It's almost like her back legs aren't quite working right.

She doesn't seem to be in pain.  She spends most of her time sleeping, but she's slept a lot for the last few years.  She is an elderly house cat.  That's what they do.  She does move from place to place, sometimes sleeping on the arm of the couch, sometimes on her pillow on the couch, occasionally sitting and dozing in the window, especially when I open it for her.  She seems to enjoy being petting and brushed, as long as I brush very gently.

But I think her quality of life has reached the point where it's time.  I don't want to wait until she is in horrible pain and suffering a lot.

I'm deeply sad but I also feel a sense of peace and maybe even relief.  I think it's the right decision.  Since I can't cure her illness, since I can't make her live, the best I can do for her is to give her a peaceful death.  And I'm going to do that.

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