Response to Stress

As you might imagine, this is a pretty stressful time for me.  My symptoms of PTSD and DID always get worse, a lot worse sometimes, during times of increased stress.  Lucky for me, much of the time my life is fairly low in stress.  That's one of the reasons I'm not able to work at a regular job or to work more hours even at my super easy work-at-home job.  That increases my stress level and my symptoms get worse and then my symptoms are too severe to work at all.

So this is a stressful time.  I'm not sleeping well.  And I'm... it's kind of hard to describe.  Forgetful, disorganized, disoriented, almost confused at times.

This evening, I am trying to bake some lemon zucchini bread.  A friend sent me the recipe and it sounded really yummy.  I hope it turns out OK but I'm not sure it will.  I have had all sorts of trouble just trying to mix up the batter.

First, I started measuring the baking powder with a tablespoon instead of a teaspoon.  Luckily I caught my mistake, but since there was no way to remove the excess baking powder from the flour and salt already in the mixing bowl, I had to toss that out and start again.

Then I was unable to find the brand new bag of Splenda I am positive was in my kitchen cupboard.  I remember buying it a while back because it was on sale and then I got home and realized I had more on hand than I thought I did but figured oh well, it would keep.  So I should have had a partial bag and a full, unopened bag.  Well, the full, unopened bag has somehow disappeared.  I don't know how.  I searched all my kitchen cupboards in case I somehow put it in a different cupboard, not with my other baking supplies, but it is no where to be found.  And I am sure I did not somehow use up a whole bag of the stuff without remembering doing so.  Luckily I had just barely enough in the other, already opened bag.

I did find a coffee cup in the cupboard with my baking supplies that I have no recollection of ever seeing before.  I don't know how it got there.  Or when it got there.  I mean, unless some fairy or elf sneaked into my kitchen, stole my Splenda and left a coffee cup in its place, I must have put it there.  But I don't recall buying it or ever seeing it before.  How weird and disconcerting is that?  That's actually something that some people with DID experience on a frequent basis, but I don't.  Never have.  Weirds me out.

I was supposed to add the Splenda to the eggs in a separate bowl but somehow ended up adding it to the other dry ingredients instead.  Oops.

I squeezed the juice from two fresh lemons and adding the correct amount of lemon juice to the batter.  I was supposed to save the rest of the lemon juice to use to make a glaze for the top of the bread.  But I poured it down the sink instead.  Hopefully I can wring a little more juice out of those cut lemons.  Luckily I hadn't thrown them out yet.

So I got the batter all mixed up and it seemed too thick to me.  I read through the recipe a couple of times, trying to see if maybe I forgot to add something liquid to it, but I think I got it right.  Of course, I could have ended up putting too much flour or something in it.  Who knows?  I added a little bit more milk so it would be what I thought would be the right consistency.  I've never made zucchini bread before but I've made banana bread and applesauce bread and quick breads like that, so I figured the batter for the zucchini bread should probably be similar in consistency.

I guess we'll see how it turns out.  I'm trying not to stress about it.  I don't like it when my symptoms are bad like this.  That in turn can stress me out more.  So I'm trying not to worry about it.

May Is Mental Health Month

So I'm told that May is Mental Health Month. Most of my readers probably already know I have a mental illness, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and that I have a service dog named Isaac that helps me cope with that disability (not everyone with PTSD is disabled by it but I am).

What many people probably don't know is that I have another mental illness, dissociative identity disorder (DID), as well. I decided since it's Mental Health Month, sharing that might be a good thing.

I think talking about mental illness, and mental health, is the first step. The first step to a society in which there is much less stigma associated with mental illness, and much less discrimination, a society in which people that go to the ER for a mental illness-related problem are treated with the same dignity, compassion and respect as those that go to the ER for a physical health problem (which sure ain't the case now), a society in which people with mental illnesses aren't told to just "get over it" or called "selfish" or "weak," a society in which treatment for mental illness is much more available and affordable. None of that will ever happen if we don't even talk about it.

Why don't I post much, or talk much, about having  DID?  I guess mostly because, as open as I am about many things, I don't like to seem nuts anymore than anyone else does.  For those not familiar with DID, it used to be called multiple personality disorder.  Well, something similar was called multiple personality disorder, anyway.  When the name was changed, the diagnostic criteria was changed a bit, too.  But most people know very little about DID and some people don't even believe it's a real disorder and many people think it must mean someone is really, really crazy.  So I don't talk about it much.  But I probably should.

Anyone else want to share anything?  Please feel free to leave comments.