Muscle Spasm in my Toes

Can you see how my second toe is pressed against my big toe? And separated from the other three toes?

Muscle spasm. I don't have those as much as I used to since seeing the podiatrist and getting the shoe inserts and and increasing my potassium and stuff, but occasionally they are still bad. It was hard to take this pic because I was so busy cursing.

Review of Omron Electro-Therapy Device

This review is not service dog-related, but it does have to do with fibromyalgia and chronic pain.

My readers probably all know I have chronic pain. I have back pain due to degenerative disk disease and a couple of herniated disks. I also have osteoarthritis in my knees and hands. And I have fibromyalgia, which causes pain in all sorts of places. 

I can’t take non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDS) like ibuprofen because I had gastric bypass surgery. I take used to have prescription pain medication but no one wants to prescribe it anymore. I’ve tried some other treatments, like chiropractic adjustments, physical therapy and steroid injections, which provided a little relief. Acupuncture helps. I am also on meds for the fibro. I still have pain on a daily basis, though.

I was at a local drugstore, looking at warming ointments like Bengay, when I spotted the Omron electro-therapy device. It is similar to a TENS unit, if you're familiar with those. I was curious about it but not certain it would really help with my pain. But it was on sale, marked down from $59.99 to just $39.99. So I decided to give it a try.

The device comes with two sticky pads, which are actually electrodes. These are placed on the body, on either side of the area where one has pain. For instance, to relieve pain in my elbow, I place one pad on my arm just above my elbow and the other on my arm just below my elbow. The pads are connected to the device with wires. It kind of resembles a CD player with earphones that are connected by wires.

The control has three settings: one designed to relieve arm pain, one designed to relieve back pain and one designed to relieve leg pain. It sends out little tingly zaps of electricity to the sticky pads, which vary in pattern somewhat depending on which setting you choose. It feels like tingling and tapping. You can see the muscle jumping a bit under the skin, which is rather odd-looking.

You can adjust the intensity level of the stimulation from one to five. When I put the pads above and below my elbow and selected the setting for relieving arm pain, I couldn’t feel a thing on the lowest setting. When I increased it to two, I could feel it, but barely. When I increased it again to three, I could feel it well. I suspect it would have been uncomfortable on a higher setting, but I wasn’t brave enough to actually try it. Every time you turn on the device, it starts out at level one. That way you’re never surprised by a greater level of intensity than you want or expect.

The device shuts off automatically after 15 minutes. The instructions say not to use it for more than 30 minutes at a time and not more than three times a day, though I didn’t find an explanation of why it was recommended not to use it more than that. After 15 to 30 minutes, I feel ready to turn it off anyway, though. It’s a kind of strange sensation and I wouldn’t like having it on all the time.

The one thing I don't like is that the sticky pads get un-sticky after a while and need to be replaced and that gets expensive. The package says they are supposed to last for 150 uses, but if I use the device daily, that means they just last a month or two. Then they don't stick well.

I love this device, though. When I use it on my elbow, I have no pain at all while I’m using the device. When I stop using it, the pain returns, but it’s so nice to have a break from the pain which has been constant for the last few months. When I use it on my back, I have no pain while using the device and my back feels better, though not completely pain-free, for a while after using it. I know it’s not a cure for the problems that are causing my pain, but it’s absolutely marvelous to experience some relief and to be able to get relief regularly and reliably, even if just for a short time. I highly recommend trying this if you have ongoing muscular-skeletal pain.

The Difference a Service Dog Can Make

This morning I woke up in a lot of pain.  My lower back hurt and my right hip hurt.  I could barely move.  I could barely sit up, barely get out of bed.  It took a few hours before I could move around easily.

I really needed to do at least one load of laundry.  I had no clean pants to wear.  If I hadn't had Isaac to get the laundry out of the dryer for me, I wouldn't have been able to do the laundry.  I'd be sitting here in dirty pants.  Or pants-less.  

Isaac was happy to pull out the clothes for me, like always.  He wagged his tail the whole time, thumping it loudly against the washing machine.  Now he is stretched out happily on the living room floor, cuddling his Kong.

Sometimes the Little Things Cause Big Problems

I am in the process of doing laundry right now.  I went downstairs with Isaac to switch the first load from washer to dryer and put the second load in the wash.  I discovered the washing machine is leaking and the floor in front of the washer and dryer are now all wet.  The floor isn't very clean, either, because apparently some of my neighbors are slobs.

Why does this cause a big problem?  Well, besides the fact that I was wearing socks but not shoes so my feet got wet because I didn't realize the machine was leaking until I stepped in the puddle, it creates a problem in having my service dog take the laundry out of the dryer for me.

See, when Isaac pulls laundry from the dryer, items sometimes fall to the floor.  I don't know any way to prevent it.  He pulls out a shirt and a sock or two come out with it and land on the floor.  But I don't want my clean laundry falling in a puddle of dirty water. 

But the only way to prevent that will be to get the laundry out myself, very carefully.  I am annoyed.  It shouldn't be such a big deal, the floor being wet and dirty.  But what it means is that my back is going to hurt.  I have to choose between having some of my clean laundry fall in dirty water, and therefor not being clean anymore, or hurting my back.  And I'm pissed that I have to make that choice.

Eucalyptus Rosemary Bath Salts

Eucalyptus rosemary bath salts are my favorite way of dealing with stiff, achy muscles and joints during cold weather.  I make them myself and offer them for sale on  Etsy, if anyone is interested in trying them.  I have other aromatherapy bath salts as well, but these are the best for those cold mornings when I wake up stiff and sore.

Empathy

Today I talked to a friend who is sick.  He told me that last night, he had a very hard time sleeping because he was sore and achy and hurt all over.  He said he just couldn't get comfortable and he finally got up out of bed and sat up most of the night, aching.  And then he said that during the long, uncomfortable night, he thought of me, of how that's how almost every night is for me.

And I was touched.  Really touched.

For the most part, I don't want people to feel sorry for me.  Once in a while, maybe I do.  Once in a while, I feel sorry for myself.  I admit it.

But empathy is a different thing.  I'm not sure how it helps me, really, to know that in the middle of the night, my sick friend thought of me.  But it does.  Maybe it's just that he got it.  I feel like most of the time, no one really gets it.  There's something nice about knowing someone understands.  I feel a little less alone.

Updates on This and That

Just little bits and pieces of stuff here:

• I've decided I like my hair cut.  It is easier to wash and brush this way, which is mostly why I like it.  Oddly enough, only one person has mentioned the hair cut to me.  I've seen Mike a couple times since I got it cut and he apparently didn't even notice.  Only one of my  neighbors mentioned it.  I was expecting people to ask me about it, why I cut it, etc.  I got a lot cut off.  I don't see how they haven't noticed.  But apparently people just don't pay much attention.  Which is OK.  I didn't really want to to explain why I got it cut, anyway.
• One of Cayenne's tumors is bleeding again.  Her belly was looking so nice.  Then today, I was out for a while, and when I came home I noticed a large spot of dried blood on her blankie on the couch.  There was also some blood smeared on the windowsill by her food and water dishes.  That's not unexpected, but still, I hated to see it.
• I think the red lights are actually helping at night.  I feel like I've slept better the last two nights.  The first night, I was kind of anxious because they didn't provide quite as much light as I would have liked.  I also really don't like the color red that much so I wasn't thrilled with them at first.  But I think they are helping some, which makes me like them a little more.
• I also think the warmer weather is helping.  I knew the cold makes my joints ache.  I just didn't realize how much.  But now that it's warming up some, I feel a lot better.  I still have pain, but it's better.

Vicodin and Me

I probably sound a bit like an addict lately, going on and on about how I want some Vicodin.

I know I've said it before but I'm gonna say it again.  I used to have a high pain tolerance.  I had a natural childbirth when I was 17.  Nineteen hours of labor, and yes, it hurt, but not so much I needed pain meds.  When I had my gall bladder removed a few years ago, I took one dose of pain meds (Vicodin, by the way) at the hospital before I left for home.  I took one more dose that night before bed.  The next morning, I felt fine and was back to my usual activities.  I've never been one to want  lots of pain meds.

I very rarely drink alcohol.  I have had a total of four drinks since I had my gastric bypass surgery more than five years ago.  Two glasses of wine and one two occasions, I shared a frozen margarita with a friend.

I've never done illegal drugs.  Never smoked pot.  Been around people smoking it a couple times but never smoked any myself.  I've never even seen cocaine, crack, meth, heroin, etc.

I've had prescriptions for sedatives, things like valium, ativan, klonopin, xanax, for years.  When I was in high school and other kids were stealing xanax from their mommies' medicine cabinet, I had my own xanax, prescribed by my psychiatrist.  And I took it as directed.  And not very often.  I also did not share with my friends.  Not that any of my friends had serious substance abuse problems, but some of them did take pain pills or sedatives or smoke pot occasionally.  But I never did, except for the meds prescribed to me by my doctor.  And I never took those things for the purpose of getting high.

I'm trying to remember if I've ever taken meds prescribed for someone else, other than the Vicodin my friend gave me recently.  I guess I have, a couple times.  A friend once gave me some omeprazole, which is an acid reducer, available both over the counter and by prescription.  It's expensive stuff and I was having some heartburn and had taken some bought over the counter and a friend that used to take it by prescription has some left over and gave them to me.  I know technically you're not supposed to do that, but it was the same med available without a prescription, and nobody is getting high on omeprazole.

I have refused to take, or to continue taking, prescribed meds that made me feel drugged or hungover.  I don't like that feeling.

About an hour ago, I took another Vicodin.  Just one. 

I was having pain in my right elbow, which is not at all unusual, but it was particularly bad.  It's hard to describe the pain, but it sort of felt like someone was poking needles into the area around my elbow while also burning my skin.  From the elbow down, my arm felt sort of numb and tingling, like when your arm or leg "falls asleep."  Every 10 or 15 seconds or so, a sharp pain would shoot down my arm.

I was trying to write an article about home remedies for warts.  I kept stopping, moving my arm around, shaking it, rubbing the elbow, trying to get some relief.  I couldn't focus on my article.  Plus, it's hard to type when you are shaking your arm and rubbing your elbow.

Finally, I took a Vicodin.  Just one.

I wouldn't say my arm feels good, but the shooting pains are gone and I am able to type.

Why is that too much to ask for?

Ritual for Coping with Pain

I spend the morning lying on the couch, wrapped in my electric blanket, in pain.  If I lay in this position, my shoulder hurts.  In this position, my arm hurts.  In this position, my hip hurts.  In any position, my feet ache and occasionally a muscle spasm in my feet curls my toes and makes me cry out in pain.   Cayenne curls up on the arm of the couch nearest my feet and Isaac lies on the floor beside the couch, also curled in a ball.  I can hear him shifting position when a muscle spasm makes me cry out.  Otherwise all is quiet.  It is sunny outside but windy and the movement of the trees outside the window casts moving shadows across the wall.

I want someone to come and help me but of course there is no one.  This pain feels like a punishment but I don't know what I've done wrong, other than to be alive.  I understand why people in pain think of death, of euthanasia, of mercy killing.  If Cayenne was in this much pain, I'd have her put to sleep.  I think of Cayenne, who is not in much pain, who is not ready to leave this world, and who needs me to care for her.  I think of Isaac, who would most likely be fine without me, who would bond easily to another owner, but who loves me nonetheless and who I love, who I don't want to leave.

I pull myself off the couch.  I go to the bathroom, plug in my space heater, turn on the tap in the tub.  Add Epsom salts and eucalyptus oil to the hot water.  Light incense and candles, place the candles around the tub.  I put Gregorian chants on my laptop (did you know Pandora has a Gregorian chant station?).  I make tea and carry it to the bathroom, where I undress and then wrap myself in warm, soft towels.  I sit on the soft, fluffy bathmat, lean back against the side of the tub.

I breathe.  I inhale, I exhale.  The pain does not matter so much in this space.  No, I can't stay here forever, but I am here now.  And I breathe.  And I soften.

I pray.  I pray to Yemaya, who is an African Goddess of the Ocean, a Mother Goddess.  I ask her to hold me, to just let me ride the waves and keep me safe and keep my head above water.

Pain Management

I've been talking with friends and acquaintances recently about pain medication and it seems that doctors are getting more and more reluctant to prescribe pain meds.  One friend told me that heroin addiction is on the rise among senior citizens because they can't get adequate pain medication from their doctors and apparently heroin is cheaper than buying pain meds on the street.  How scary is that?  And how sad?

I have a friend that recently had a total knee replacement.  She had her other knee done a while ago and after that surgery, her orthopedic surgeon prescribed Vicodin for her to take before physical therapy appointments because the therapy was so painful.  This time, he has refused to do that for some reason.  She told me that at her last appointment with him, he was complaining how many of his patients have been cancelling their physical therapy appointments.  He didn't seem to get that the reason they are cancelling may be related to his refusing to prescribe pain meds for that purpose.  Duh.  Patients don't want to do very painful therapy without any pain medication.  Imagine that.

My friend is supposed to do physical therapy once a week for eight to 12 weeks.  She wants two Vicodin per week.  Sixteen to 24 pills.  Seriously, no one is going to get addicted taking two Vicodin a week.  I don't think it would be possible to abuse two Vicodin a week.  I guess you can get a slight buzz off two Vicodin, although you probably wouldn't even get that if you abused Vicodin on any kind of a regular basis.

Another friend offered to give me a few Vicodin that he had left from something, I think having some dental work done.  I told him that if I could have two, that would be super.  I was imagining one night of being able to sleep without pain keeping me awake.  Today, he gave me 10.

I can't even explain how precious those 10 pills seem to me.  They were in an envelope.  I brought them home, found an empty pill bottle to keep them in, tore off the corner of that envelope and poured them into the bottle.  I always label any container I store meds in other than the original bottle, so I made a sky blue label for the bottle.  I set the bottle on my kitchen counter for the day.  I thought of putting it on my alter.

At bedtime, I straightened out my covers, turned down the lights, and took two Vicodin along with one of my few remaining Flexeril.  Twenty minutes later, I lay down and I didn't hurt.  I didn't fall asleep and I kind of didn't want to.  I just wanted to enjoy the feeling.  I was able to lay in one position for a long time.  My arms didn't hurt.  My hands didn't hurt.  My hips didn't hurt.   My toe didn't hurt.  How stupid does that sound?  But my little toe on my right foot has been hurting a lot.

I felt a little sad because really, how sad is it that it's been a long, long time since I was able to lie still for a while without hurting?  It's been a little over a year since I had any Vicodin.  It's been a month since I came off the Tramadol, but that didn't allow me to lie down at night without pain.  It just made the pain more bearable.  But gods, does it feel good right now.  One night without pain.  Priceless.

Edited to add: So I slept really, really well last night.  I woke up feeling rested.  I noticed when I got up this morning that my blankets were still neatly arranged.  Usually, they are all twisted into knots when I wake up.  Apparently last night, I didn't twist and turn all night like I usually do.  It is so amazing to wake up actually feeling rested.

Sometimes I Hate Night

I hate night a lot lately, actually.

I cope with the pain pretty well during the day, for the most part.  I hurt, but I can deal with it.  I can ignore it.  I can distract myself.

At night, I can't.  It's hard to sleep because of the pain, but I'm tired, I can't keep myself busy and distracted from the pain all night.

And then that pain, that unrelenting pain, triggers memories of being in the emergency room and of my childhood, and it's hard to cope with those memories at night when I'm tired and in pain.

And it's lonely.  I think of all the people I know, think of calling someone, and think of all the reasons I shouldn't bother them.  Plus, I don't know what I'd say if I did call someone.  They'd ask what they could do, how they could help, and I don't know.  I don't know what I want or what I need.

And the night seems so long like that.

When Pacing Myself Sucks

A few days ago, I wrote about how I've been learning to pace myself.  How important it is to do so.  But sometimes it sucks.  Sometimes I really sucks.

Today a friend issued an invitation that I really, really wanted to accept.  I almost did, without thinking too much about it.

But then I did think.  It would involve getting up really early.  This morning, I was up at 3:30 am.  Cayenne woke me up hacking up a big juicy hairball on the couch, which happens to be where I was sleeping.  Since I don't enjoy big juicy hairballs on my feet when I sleep, I decided I better get up and clean it up.  Plus, you know, I was already awake.

I got up, cleaned up the big juicy hairball, and discovered I was cold and sore and achy.  I decided I needed a hot bath.  With Epsom salts and eucalyptus essential oil, which, by the way, is very good for relieving muscle aches. 

It was so early, Isaac didn't even want to get up.  He rolled his eyes in my direction when I looked in the bedroom at him.  I did nap a bit later, but my point is, I was up very early and am running on far too little sleep.

And tomorrow, I have to go buy dog food.  I have to.  Isaac will be eating a small-than-normal breakfast in the morning because he has less than one cup of dog food left.  I was going to get dog food today but I have a coupon that is not good until tomorrow and it's for 10% off everything I buy at the farm supply store where I get dog food.  But I must get it tomorrow.  And lifting a 30 lb. bag of dog food off the shelf in the store and into my cart, then out of my cart and into my trunk, is really, really difficult for me.  I will probably have muscle spasms in my back.  I will hurt.

Doing that on top of getting very little sleep would not be wise.  It would be really stupid.

So I declined the invitation.  But it sucks.  Because a normal person should be able to get up early and still buy dog food.

Pacing Myself

One thing I've been learning is how important it is to pace myself.  I can't always do all the things I want to do.  And when I do too much, the pain gets worse, I get too tired, I get overwhelmed and have trouble coping.  It's frustrating to me when I can do as much as I want to do, or as much as I think I should be able to do, or all the things I've planned to do. 

I used to feel guilty about not getting things done but I don't so much anymore.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe I just reached a point where I needed to let go of that because it certainly wasn't helping me to feel that way.  Also, a friend pointed out a while back that being tired is not a personality flaw, and that really resonated with me.  I hadn't realized it, exactly, but I had been feeling like being too tired or in too much pain to do something, like clean my house, was some sort of character flaw.  Which of course it isn't.

If I pace myself, the pain is less, the anxiety is less, I can cope better.  Duh.  That sounds really obvious but it took me a long time to figure it out.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow and I've spent the last week cleaning my house.  I still get frustrated, and also kind of depressed, if I think too much about how there was a time when I could have cleaned this small apartment from top to bottom in no time.  Two hours and I could have had the place spotless. 

Now, it takes me a week.  It takes me a week, and there are still things I don't get done, like the bathtub.  It's too hard to clean my tub.  This is embarrassing to admit, but I cleaned my bathtub when I first moved in here and I haven't cleaned it since.  I mean, I rinse it out, but I haven't scrubbed it since.  And that was ten months ago.

But having a really clean tub is just not worth the pain it causes to bend over and scrub it.  So tomorrow I will close the shower curtain and my friend will have no idea that I haven't cleaned my tub in almost a year.

But pacing myself.  I'm doing it.  And if I don't think too much about how much easier life would be if I could get a normal amount of stuff done, it works.

The State of My Pain

So it's been almost a week since I stopped taking Tramadol for pain and Flexeril for muscle spasms.  Well, I've taken a Tramadol twice since then, but I was taking four a day.  And I haven't had any Flexeril.

I'm taking 500 mg glucosamine/400 mg chondroitin and 100 mg gabapentin a day.  I'm not sure if I will keep taking the glucosamine/chondroitin or not but I bought a 20 day supply so I will at least finish that.

In another day or two, I am supposed to increase the gabapentin to 100 mg twice a day.  I hope that doesn't make me drowsy during the day.  I've been taking it at bedtime and the first couple days, I think it made me sleep well.  However, the last three nights, I've slept like crap.

The night before last, I was really worn out so I went to bed early.  Like a little after 8:00 pm.  But I couldn't sleep.  My back hurt and my arms hurt and I was thirsty.  Like, so incredibly thirsty.

I think the gabapentin is making my mouth dry, drier than usual.  And my mouth is already dry.  I think it's a side effect of the Cymbalta.  It's a common side effect of so many psych meds.  I've dealt with it for years.   But now, it's like I can't get enough to drink.  Literally two minutes after drinking something, my mouth is like cotton and I am so incredibly thirsty.  It's hard to sleep because I am so thirsty.  I drink, then I lie down, and before I can fall asleep, I am so thirsty I have to get up and drink some more.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is what it is.

Anyway.  At night I can't sleep because my back hurts and my arms hurt and my hips hurt and I am thirsty.  The night before last, I was also hot, then I kicked off the covers and was cold, then I put the covers back on and was hot and sweaty, and so on.  I was so tired I felt like crying.  But it was after midnight before I fell asleep.

Yesterday I was up before 6:00 am.  I did nap for about an hour during the day.  And last night?  It was a repeat of the night before.  My arms hurt and I couldn't find a comfortable position.  Any way I lay, it hurt at least one arm in some way.  I went to bed a little after 9:00 pm and it was after midnight before I slept.  My head ached, my hips hurt, I was thirsty, I was hot, I was cold, I was so exhausted I didn't want to move.  Except I had to move, because my arms hurt in the position in which I was lying.  But any way I moved, something else hurt.

This morning I managed to sleep until 6:10 am.  I have not slept at all, all day.

I've been fairly busy the last few days and I think that distracts me from the pain, at least a little.  But at night I'm not distracted.  And the pain is worse at night, and the anxiety is worse, and it makes it hard to sleep.  I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't get some sleep tonight.

I've been using my anxiety medication to help manage the anxiety that the increase in pain brings up.  It doesn't do anything for the pain, though.

I'm functioning better than I thought I'd be, really.  Today I did a load of laundry.  Yesterday, the weather was really nice and I took Isaac for a long walk, about 45 minutes.  Tuesday I picked up a few items at the dollar store, I tutored TK, and I even stopped at the office supply store to pick up a planner for him.  His dad cancelled his tutoring session today, but I was planning to do it.  So I'm functioning.  I'm not just huddling on the couch under my electric blanket.

I don't know how long I can function on so little sleep, though.

Oh.  I also think the gabapentin is making me nauseous.  I've been nauseous, anyway, off and on.  I'm hoping that goes away as I get used to the medication.  When I first started the Cymbalta, I was nauseous for almost three weeks.  Horribly nauseous.  I was about ready to quit taking it but then I guess I got used to it and the nausea went away.  This is not as bad, but I feel icky off and on throughout the day.

Not Such a Good Day Today

Yesterday I saw the rheumatologist and for the most part, I think the appointment went well.  She diagnosed me with fibromyalgia, which I was expecting, and also told me that I have osteoarthritis in my hands.  She recommends continuing with the Cymbalta and also prescribed gabopentin, which is an anti-seizure medication that is also sued to treat fibromyalgia.  She also recommended taking a glucosamine/chondroitin supplement.  I picked some up but I'm not sure if I'll continue taking it, because the research doesn't seem too promising that it will really help, plus it's expensive, plus most of those supplements are made from shellfish and bovine cartilage and I am a vegetarian and do not feel good about taking supplements made from animals.

The only bad news is that she doesn't want to prescribe pain medication or my  muscle relaxer because she says those don't help much with fibromyalgia and can even end up making fibromyalgia pain worse somehow.  Well.   Maybe that's all true, but what about my back?  I have degenerative disk disease.  My back doesn't hurt because of fibro, or at least, not only because of fibro.

And my primary care physician won't prescribe those meds anymore, either, because he said the rheumatologist should be treating my pain.  But rheumatologists don't typically treat degenerative disk disease.

So I have about a dozen pain pills left and even fewer muscle relaxers.  So I decided I needed to stop taking them right away and save the ones I have left for when I really, really need them.  Like if I can't get out of bed at all.  Or if I can't get out of the car.  That's happened before.  Once I lay in bed for about eight hours before I was able to move.  Another time I could not get out of the car and had to call Mike and he had to leave work and come home to help me.  But that's when we were together.  If that happened now, I would have no one to call.  But I have my purse with me in the car and I always have pain meds in my purse.  So I need to save the few I have left for things like that.

For the last couple of months, I've been taking four Tramadol and three Flexeril a day.  This morning, I took one Tramadol because I had to take Cayenne to the vet and it's very difficult and very painful for me to lift the cat carrier with her in it.  She weighs 8 lbs. 4 oz.  I have a hard time lifting a gallon of milk, which weighs five pounds.  So lifting and carrying Cayenne in her carrier is hard for me.   So I took a pain pill.

But no more all day.  I've cried twice today, because of the pain.  I managed to nap for about an hour.  This evening I went grocery shopping, which I dreaded because I was already in pain and I thought lifting groceries would make it worse, but I had very little to eat in the house.  The last few days have been busy for me and I can't do too many things in the same day.  So I went shopping.  I didn't buy anything heavy.  I bought a half gallon of almond milk, but that's the heaviest things.  I didn't buy a gallon of milk because I didn't want to have to lift that much.  I bought yogurt.  I bought a couple protein bars.  Light stuff.

When I got home, I was in a lot of pain.  I had forgotten to leave a light on and it had grown dark while I was at the store.  So I told Isaac to turn on the light.  And he acted like he had no clue what I was talking about.  Wouldn't turn it on.  I don't know what the problem was.  I ended up having to walk into the dark house and turn on a light myself.

By then I was really anxious and also angry and just overwhelmed.  I told Isaac to bring my meds.  Again, he acted like he had no clue what I was saying.  That might have been because I was upset and yelling.  I think I scared him.  I was also throwing my groceries around the kitchen.  I really lost it.  I got my own meds and I practically tripped over Isaac because although he didn't want to get my meds for me, he wanted to be right by me.  So I yelled at him to go lie down.  Which he did.

And he stayed right there until I was done putting my groceries away/throwing them around the kitchen.  After that I sat on the couch and called Isaac over to me and  hugged him.  Then I just cried for a while.

I'm in so much pain.  I don't know how I'm going to deal with this without any medication.  I just don't.

Seeing the Rheumatologist Tomorrow

I see the rheumatologist tomorrow.  I'm anxious about it.  I'm worried she's not going to listen to me (and I found numerous reviews of her online, where prior patients complained that she doesn't listen) and that she won't want to prescribe adequate pain medication.  My primary care physician doesn't want to keep treating my pain, but right now I don't even have a diagnosis, so who knows if it's something the rheumatologist would treat.  I mean, if she thinks it's fibromyalgia then she would treat that, but what if that's not the diagnosis? 

And what about my back?  I don't think my back problems are caused by fibromyalgia, even if I do have fibro.  The back pain is due to degenerative disk disease and/or a herniated disk, depending on which back specialist you think is right, and that's not the kind of thing rheumatologists treat. 

So I'm worried that I'm not going to get adequate pain medication.  The medication I have currently is just barely adequate.  But I will run out of it over the coming weekend and if the rheumatologist doesn't prescribe more, I'm not sure how I'm going to cope.  I'm trying not to panic about it now, to wait and see what happens, because anxiety only  makes the pain worse and there's no sense making it worse now when I don't even know that's going to happen.  But it's hard not to worry.

Hypnic Jerks and Other Annoyances

Do you know what a hypnic jerk is?  No, it's not a particular type of rude or annoying person.  It's that full-body jerk that sometimes happens as you are dropping off to sleep, usually accompanied or immediately preceded by a feeling of falling.  Often, it wakes you up and then it takes time to settle back down and drop off to sleep again.

Well, I've been having those hypnic jerks a lot lately.  I think it may be a side effect of either my pain medication or my muscle relaxer.  It really sucks because not only does it wake me up when I already have enough trouble sleeping, but it frequently causes a muscle spasm in my back, which is really painful.

Also, today my hips were hurting a lot.  They actually feel OK now but earlier, they were feeling bad.  This is the first time they've hurt this much. That bothers me.  I feel like things are getting worse and worse.  First it was my right elbow, then it was my left knee, too, and now my hips.

And my right arm is getting really bad, whatever it is that's wrong with it.  Besides hurting a lot every time I move it, and besides the raw/irritated/burning feeling I frequently have on my elbow, and besides the bruised feeling I have in my right forearm, I feel like I have less strength in than I used to.  I am having trouble doing things like opening jars and childproof pill bottles.  Although it's hard to say for sure whether I'm having trouble because it's painful to do those things or because my arm is too weak.  I don't know. 

So I Panicked

It was an all around bad day.

I had a plan.  Pick up meds at the pharmacy, get gas, pick up milk and tomato soup at the dollar store, then go to the food pantry to get produce. 

The local food pantry I go to has produce once a month.  Last month I got about a hundred organic bananas.  Well, OK, it was just a dozen or so.  But that's a lot for one person.  I also got corn on the cob, oranges, yogurt and cottage cheese.  I know, yogurt and cottage cheese are not produce.  But I got yogurt last month and the month before and I was hoping to get more today.  I was also hoping for apples.

So I went to the pharmacy, where I found my doctor had failed to call in refills for my Tramadol and Flexeril, and where the pharmacy tech tried to charge me a copay for my Miralax, when I think Medicaid should have paid that copay for me.  I asked the pharmacy tech why Medicaid didn't pay it and she said they paid for more of the cost.  I said no, that would have been Medicare that paid for most of it.  Medicare is my primary, Medicaid is my secondary.  Shouldn't she know that Medicare and Medicaid are not the same things?  Surely she has many other customers that have Medicare and Medicaid.  So she said she'd bill Medicaid and I said I'd call my doctor's office and come back later.

On the way to the gas station, I called the doctor's office.  I spoke with his medical assistant who said, "I think he's working on those refills today."  What does that mean?  I have no clue what that means.  What is there to work on?  It's a phone call to the pharmacy.  Might take 90 seconds.  So I asked her what that meant and pointed out that I will be out of those meds at the end of the day.

Now, I called about those refills on Wednesday, two days before I would run out.  I thought two days seemed like ample time for someone at the doctor's office to find 90 seconds to make a quick phone call.  I didn't call sooner than that because I figured they would not want to call in refills if I still have a lot of pills left.  Plus, I figured my insurance wouldn't pay for the refills if I tried to get them too soon.

The MA seemed annoyed and said she would call me back.

And then I panicked.  What if they didn't call in the refills?  I started thinking of how much pain I'd be in all weekend.  My right arm started hurting more just thinking about it.  I recognized that, I realized that my anxiety was going to make the pain worse.  I cried a little bit.  I took some anxiety meds.  I reminded myself that the anticipation of pain makes pain worse.  I reminded myself that the pain wasn't too bad right then so I needed to focus on that, not on how much it might hurt later.

The panic receded and I went on to the dollar store.

Then I went to the food pantry and found they were closed.  There was a sign on the gate that said, "Sorry we are closed today."  I have no clue why.  I was there Monday for my regular groceries and the woman at the desk reminded me that Friday was produce day.  I was really disappointed.  I had been really looking forward to the yogurt I hoped I would get. 

And I was counting on that food.  Before I set out to do my errands I had carefully planned what to get at the dollar store and how much gas to put into my car, because money is that tight right now.  You know, I was working out, well, I have $7 available on my credit card and $12 in my checking account and $9 left on this gift card, so I can use the credit card for the gas and with the gift card I can buy two gallons of milk and two cans of tomato soup and a package of dog treats for Isaac, like that.  No produce at the food pantry totally messed up my plan.

I'm gonna call them Monday and see if maybe they will be doing produce on a different day.

Shortly after I got home, the MA from the doctor's office called and said the refills would be called in by the end of the day.  I plan to go back to the pharmacy tomorrow.  Hopefully it's all been taken care of.  It was a rotten day.

Rearranging

I rearranged my living room today.  I didn't make any big changes, but sometimes it's the little things that count.

In the past, I typically sat on one end of the couch and Cayenne sat/lay/slept/lived on the other end.  Her end is covered with disposable puppy pee pad with a soft blanket on top of them.  Except when she pees on both her blankies and then she gets to sleep on a towel until I get around to doing laundry.  On the floor in front of Cayenne's end of the couch were more puppy pads covered with towels.

Beside my end of the couch is a two-drawer file cabinet that I use like an end table.  My pain meds were kept there, Isaac's treat jar was kept there, a drink was usually there.  My computer mouse was on the arm of the couch and in front of my end of the couch was the coffee table.  Why was the coffee table only in front of my end of the couch?  Well, it wasn't centered right because I didn't want to put it on the puppy pads in front of Cayenne's end of the couch.  I didn't want to have to move the coffee table every time I changed puppy pads (which is at least once a day, sometimes more, sometimes lots more) and I didn't really want her to pee on the legs of the coffee table, either.

But my right arm hurts.  It hurts a lot.  Picking up a full glass of tea with that arm has become pretty difficult.  And the arm of the couch, which seemed like the perfect place for my mouse just a couple of months ago, now seems a little too high.  Holding my arm at that angle hurts.

So I decided that Cayenne and I needed to switch ends of the couch for a little bit to see how that worked for me.  She immediately switched to her new end as soon as I put her blanket there.  I put my mouse on a pillow beside me, put my drink on the really wide windowsill just to the left of where I would sit, and moved Cayenne's puppy pads a little to the left (hopefully she'll continue peeing on them, I hate to do anything that might cause her to pee on the carpet) so I could move the coffee table a bit so I can still rest my feet on it.

I think this will work.  I think it will be good.  The only negative I can think of right now is that Cayenne will have to march over me every time she wants to get to her food and water, which are kept on the windowsill (they are there because it's easier for her to go from couch to windowsill and back than to go from couch to floor and back, and because they are in a place where I can easily see Isaac whenever he decides he wants to sneak a bite of cat food).  I don't think Cayenne will mind.  I might, though.

Just a Little Update

First, Isaac has mastered carrying items in a cloth shopping bag and he loves doing it.  This evening I took the bag with us when I took him out to pee and then gave it to him to carry back inside.  He carried it to our apartment, when I took it from him and rewarded him with a treat.  I put the bag on the kitchen counter and went and sat down on the couch with my laptop.  Isaac went into the kitchen and returned with the shopping bag, which he'd gotten off the counter, and presented the bag to me.

I think he was hoping for another treat.  He used to do that with my meds a lot, just bring them to me at random times.  He quit doing that long ago, though.  It's unusual for Isaac to get anything off the counter.  He does not counter surf, for which I am grateful.  Occasionally he's gotten one of his toys off the counter, like after I've washed it and it's sitting by the sink.  But anyway, he can now carry a cloth shopping bag and he very much likes doing it.

Second, I just realized a few minutes ago that my pain has been at a very tolerable level today.  I don't know why, I don't know what's different about today.  I'd like to know so I could do it again tomorrow.  But for now I'll just enjoy it.  It's not that I'm pain-free, but today the pain is like background noise, not too difficult to tune out, whereas many days it's like a really loud alarm clock that you'd like to hit with a sledge hammer, only there is no off button.