How Many Kids and Counting?

All this news about the Duggars has been very triggering to me.  A lot of what's bothering me is that Jim Bob and Michelle did nothing to protect their children.  They continued to allow Josh in the home, around the other children.  And then Anna married him, knowing he sexually abused children, and bore him more children, which he will most likely abuse as well.  Because sex offenders rarely stop.  How many kids has he victimized already?  And how many more will he hurt?

I think the way a family responds when a child is sexually abused has a lot to do with the degree of trauma that child experiences.

Here's what I mean.  I know a guy that was sexually abused by a neighbor as a child.  He told his parents.  He felt safe telling his parents and trusted them to help him, regardless of what the neighbor might have told him about keeping it a secret.  And his parents responded as perfectly as any parents could have.  They told him what the neighbor did was wrong.  They told him it wasn't his fault.  They told him they were sorry the neighbor hurt him.  They told him how glad they were he'd told them what happened.

His  parents called the police.  They wanted charges to be pressed.  In the course of the investigation, it was discovered there were a number of other victims.  The neighbor, upon being confronted with the evidence against him, confessed.  He plead guilty.  There was no trial, because he plead guilty, and he went to prison.

His parents found a counselor that was experienced in treating male children that had been sexually abused.  He went to counseling for a while. Said the counselor helped, not only with things related to the abuse, but with other things, too.  He went to counseling for as long as he needed to go, then stopped going, but knew if he needed to go back, he could just tell his parents and they would take him back.

As an adult, he does not seem to me to be particularly traumatized by what happened to him as a child.  He does not have PTSD.  He doesn't have nightmares about it.  He does not suffer from clinical depression or anxiety.  He isn't ashamed about what happened to him.  He doesn't feel guilty about it. 

Compare that to what happens to many children that are sexually abused.  Compare it to what happened to me.  I didn't tell what it happened.  I didn't trust my  mother to help me.  When I told her as an adult, she accused me of lying or being crazy.  I expect her response would have been the same if I'd told her when I was a child.  I doubt she would have called the police or found me a good counselor.

How much of the trauma comes, not from the actual abuse, but from not being able to tell, from not being believed, from being blamed, from not getting the help you need to deal with what happened?  Sure, the abuse is traumatic.  But the rest of it just compounds that trauma so much.

Call Your Mother or Pay for Your Coffee

So I saw this commercial online for McDonald's, who I guess has some sort of promotion going on where they ask you to do something nice instead of paying for your food. In the commercial, the employee asked the customer if he had his cell phone with him and when the guy said yes, the employee told him to call up his mom and tell her he loved her.

I have a problem with this. If, instead of asking for $1.99 to pay for my iced coffee this morning they had told me to call my mother, I would have been really upset. I guess I would have had to say "I can't do that since my mother isn't speaking to me because I told people my father sexually abused me when I was a child. Can I just give you two bucks instead?" But what about other customers that cannot call their mothers for whatever reason?

Woman Abusing Dog at Dog Park

Monday I took Isaac to the dog park.  The one nearest my home.  Often we are the only ones there, but that day, there was a woman, a man, and two kids there, with three other dogs.  Two were small dogs, but they had them in the "big dog" section.  The third dog was a big dog and the woman had him on a leash.  When Isaac and I went in, she said he was on a leash because "didn't know how he was with other dogs."  Well, if you don't know if your dog is friendly with other dogs, why would  you bring him to a dog park?  Duh.

Of course, her dog wanted to run around with the other dogs off leash.  So he was barking.  A lot.  And she didn't want him to bark.  So she was screaming, "Shut the fuck up!" at him.  And smacking him.  In the head.  Over and over and over again.

I was shocked.  I was horrified.  I've seen  people give their dogs a smack before.  But not over and over and over again and not in the head.  It was horrible.  And the man and the two kids were just sitting there like nothing was happening.

I thought about asking her to quit hitting her dog.  I thought about pointing out that cussing at and hitting a dog isn't the best way to get him to stop barking.  I figured she probably didn't want my advice, though.


I ended up getting Isaac and leaving after just a few minutes.  I couldn't stand to be there, watching her hit her dog.  Even if I didn't look, I couldn't stand hearing her scream at him over and over again.

On the way out of the dog park, I looked at the sign posted at the entrance with the park rules, hoping it had a phone number for the Humane Society or something with it.  I wanted to call someone to report the woman abusing her dog but I didn't know who to call.  There was a number for the county dog warden, so after Isaac and I were safely in the car, I called that number.  The guy I talked to seemed unsure about whether or not I was supposed to report animal abuse to him or not, but he took the information and said he would check with his boss about what to do about it.  I hope they went out to investigate.  I did not stick around to find out, though.  I wanted out of there.

I was really upset and anxious.  I took some anxiety meds and drove home and gave Isaac a big pork skin roll chew-thing.  I feel so bad for that dog.

Why I'm Sometimes Uncomfortable Answering Questions about Why I Have a Service Dog

I've been thinking about this since I went to the church that is going to be doing the fundraiser for Isaac to get food from their food pantry.

I sent the pastor of the church a letter explaining that I have PTSD.  I allowed her to come to my home to learn more about me and my need for a service dog.  She asked me, after first saying it was OK if I wasn't comfortable answering the question, if my PTSD was related to military service or something else.  She assured me it wouldn't affect their decision to hold a fundraiser for me but said some of the board members were just wondering.  She said she thought some of them had some sort of connections that they might be able to use to get some funds if I was a veteran.

I told her it was OK, I was comfortable sharing some information, and that the PTSD was a result of severe childhood trauma due to growing up in an abusive home.  I went on to explain that there is currently a fair amount of funding available for returning veterans with PTSD that need service dogs, but not much funding for people that have PTSD as a result of other causes.  She said she would let the board  members know that.

So I was comfortable sharing with the pastor, and the church board, information about why I need a service dog.  Now, I kind of feel like I need to share some of that information, whether I feel real comfortable with it or not, if I want them to donate money for my service dog.  I mean, sure, I could say, "Hey, I really need a service dog but I don't want to tell you why.  Would you give me some money for my dog, though?"  But I think people are much more likely to donate if they know why I need a service dog and how my dog can help me.

But it wasn't just that.  I am not ashamed of the fact that I have PTSD.  For goodness sake, I write a blog on which I tell anyone with internet access about it!  I've also written several articles, published online in various places, in which I've talked about having a service dog for PTSD.  It's not a secret.

Most people that know me know about the PTSD, to various extents.  No, the lady that sells me stamps at the post office doesn't know, nor does the local library or the cashier at the local Kroger.  But all my friends know, all my family, all my health care professionals, even my dentist.

But I tell them when I want to, when I'm ready, when I feel able to talk about it.  And when I write about it, whether it's an article for publication or something to post on my blog, it's when I want to.  If I'm having a bad day, if I'm feeling particularly anxious, if there are things I don't want to think about on a particular day, I don't write about it then.  I don't choose to discuss it with friends or acquaintances then.  I share what I want to share, when I want to share it.  It's on my terms.

When a stranger at a store or restaurant asks me why I have a service dog, it sometimes catches me off guard, although I guess I should be used to it by now since it happens so often.  But sometimes I'm already having a hard day, I might be tired or stressed about something, I might be feeling anxious (which is common when I'm shopping, by the way), and I'm surrounded by strangers.  It's not an environment that makes me feel safe and comfortable sharing personal things that are kind of hard to talk about.

When I was at the church getting food from the food pantry, I was anxious just being there.  It was a place I'd never been before, I didn't know anyone there (except for Mike, and that's why I asked him to go with me), I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do or where I was supposed to go, all things that create a lot of anxiety for me.  And I was asking for assistance, in the form of food, which is something that makes me feel kind of uncomfortable.  Even though everyone there was really nice and helpful and respectful (except for a couple of intrusive questions about my service dog), it still feels uncomfortable or a bit humiliating to me to have to get that kind of assistance.  I feel the same way about applying for food stamps or subsidized housing.  So in that situation, surrounded by a whole lot of strangers, I was uncomfortable talking about personal, painful things like why I have PTSD and need a service dog.

When people ask why I need a service dog, they don't know they are asking me about how I was abused as a child.  But they are.  And since you have no idea why someone might need a service dog, or a wheelchair or any other type of assistive device, it's better not to ask them, unless you have the type of relationship in which it would be appropriate to ask about personal, painful things like that.

Why Kids Don't Tell When They Are Abused

Today I was watching an old episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show and she was interviewing a teenage boy who was arrested and convicted for killing a family friend who had sexually abused him repeatedly.  Oprah said something I thought was very insightful.  She was talking about why kids don't tell when they are abused, especially when they are sexually abused, and she said that when a child is abused for the first time and doesn't tell, then when they are abused the second time, it becomes that much harder to tell.  Kids feel guilt and shame about what's happening to them, but they also feel guilt and shame about not telling, and they know that people will ask why they didn't tell sooner or why they kept going back to the abuser after it happened the first time.

I'd never thought about that before.  I've thought about why kids don't tell, and I understand the many reasons they don't, but I never considered how it gets harder and harder to tell the longer the abuse goes on.

Why don't kids tell when they are being abused?  The specific reasons might differ from case to case, but usually include several of the following:

• They are afraid because the abuser has threatened to hurt them and/or their family members if they tell.
• They are embarrassed or ashamed.
• They think it's their fault (and may have been told by the abuser that it was their fault).
• They think no one will believe them (and gee, what happened when I told my mother?  She still doesn't believe me).
• They are afraid they will get in trouble (and may have been told this by the abuser).
• They are afraid people will be mad at them (and may have been told this by the abuser).
• They are afraid the abuser will be sent to jail (and the abuser is often a family member or someone they love).
• They are afraid they will be taken away from their family and placed in foster care.
• They don't know how to talk about it (when I was first sexually abused, I was pretty young.  I did not know the words "sexual abuse."  I didn't know the words "molested" or "raped."  I didn't even have the words to talk about what was happening to me).