Update on the Dental and Health Stuff

The dental work went well.  The most painful part of the procedure was injecting the novacaine.  A couple places where the needle had to go, it hurt.  But then I didn't feel anything during the procedure.  And it didn't take that long.

There were a couple moments where my PTSD was triggered a bit.  My jaw was starting to ache from having my mouth open so wide and the feel of the dentist's hand on my face was triggering.  I was able to push it away, to force myself back to the present.

I slept much of the afternoon.  Nothing about the procedure should have made me tired, yet I felt wrung out.  Whiskers curled up beside me and we slept off and on most of the rest of the day.

That was Wednesday.  Thursday I felt a little tired still but got a lot of stuff done.  Then Thursday night, I had nightmares.  I woke up for a while, managed to go back to sleep, had more nightmares.  Finally dragged myself out of bed, still tired, but not wanting to even try to sleep anymore.  And then Friday night was the same.  I'm guessing the nightmares were triggered by the dental procedure.  Hopefully I will be able to sleep better tonight.

The dizziness continues.  It seems to get worse in the evenings for some reason.  That's really the only pattern I've noticed.

I have an appointment later this month with an ENT.  Hopefully he has some ideas about it.

Camping at Night

Both nights that Isaac and I camped, I initially thought we were going to have the whole campground to ourselves.  Each night, someone else pulled in around dinner time or a little after.  I realized I liked the idea of having the whole campground to ourselves and I felt a little nervous with just one other site occupied.   

The first night, it was a couple, a man and a woman, with a dog.  The second night, it was two men.  Maybe they were a couple as well, I don’t know.  But I felt especially nervous when I saw there were two men.

I actually thought of saying hi to them and saying something like, “My husband Mack went fishin’ but he’ll be back soon.”   

Well, I briefly considered saying something like my husband went hunting with a really big gun and he’d be back soon with his really big gun – but hunting is not permitted in the National Forest and neither are guns, so I thought that might sound improbable.  

It surprised me that I thought of lying about a non-existent husband.  But I didn’t want them to know I was alone.

I didn’t say anything about a husband.  But I thought maybe they’d see me walking Isaac and think I had a big dog to protect me.  Only then they said hello and wanted to say hello to Isaac, who of course wanted to say hello to them.  So I’m not sure Isaac looked very protective then.  And of course he’s not. But people tend to think all dogs will be protective, so I don’t know what they thought.

Maybe it would have felt safer if there had been many other campsites occupied.  Like, then there would have been someone to hear me if I screamed for help.  Although people often ignored screams for help, so who knows if anyone would actually help.  But I think I would have felt safer.

Before going camping alone, I’d wondered if I would get scared alone at night.  I had thought I might.  But what I found out was, I was more afraid of people than anything else.  I was not afraid of wild animals or the dark or big foot or ghosts or things that go bump in the night.  I was just scared of people.

And I didn't have nightmares either night.  I woke up a lot, but I usually do that at home, too.  And Isaac and I went to bed early both nights, so it's not surprising that I was awake by 3:00 am and had trouble going back to sleep - if I'd been at home, I would have gotten up.  I'd already had six hours of sleep which is more than I usually sleep in a row.  But there was nothing to do there if I did get up and it was chilly out and it seemed like a better idea to just try to get back to sleep.  

Although once I had to get up long enough to pee. Isaac did not get up with me.  He was tired and he said he did not have to pee. I was not walking all the way to the toilet in the cold and dark, so I peed behind the tent in the woods.

Anyway.  Other than being afraid of other people, I liked being outdoors at night.  I liked sitting around the campfire and I liked looking at the moon and hearing the insects and owls and things.

Isaac's Pillow

Isaac has his own pillow. 

It used to be mine.  I gave it to him after he stole it from me too many times and then drooled all over it in his sleep.

Cayenne used to have her own pillow, too.  Hers also used to be mine and I gave it to her after she peed on it twice.  Way to steal a pillow.  Now Cayenne's pillow is on my bed and Isaac sleeps on it sometimes, too.  But he prefers his own pillow.

I bought myself a new pillow.  One that has not been drooled on by anyone other than myself and has not been peed on by anyone (not even myself).

Isaac had some interest in my new pillow, though.  So then I came up with an idea.  I like to change my pillowcase once a week when I do laundry.  But instead of putting it in the wash, I started putting my used pillowcase on Isaac's pillow.  I put his old pillowcase in the wash and put a clean pillowcase on my pillow.  Isaac loves sleeping on my used pillowcase.  Smells like me, I guess, and he likes that.  I think it's sweet.

Red Light Update

I wrote a week or so ago about using a string of red Christmas lights as a nightlight of sorts, because red lights are supposed to have less impact on the production of melatonin than other colors of light.  And so far, I think it is helping. 

I had a kind of hard time the first night because it wasn't quite as much light as I like and it made me feel a little anxious.  But after that first night, it seems like enough light.  And since I seem to be sleeping better, I'm liking them better. 

There was one night this past week that I feel like I woke up a lot, but I think at least part of that had to do with Cayenne.  She had a kind of restless night and was acting sort of strange and I was worried about her and she woke me up some climbing around on my legs.

Other than that, though, I think I am sleeping better.

Right now I have the string of lights draped over my bookshelf.  I think I want to do something a bit more, I don't know, decorative and less haphazard-looking with them, but I haven't decided quite what yet.  And I'm sort of getting used to the way they look on the bookshelf.

This isn't the best picture, but here they are.

Updates on This and That

Just little bits and pieces of stuff here:

• I've decided I like my hair cut.  It is easier to wash and brush this way, which is mostly why I like it.  Oddly enough, only one person has mentioned the hair cut to me.  I've seen Mike a couple times since I got it cut and he apparently didn't even notice.  Only one of my  neighbors mentioned it.  I was expecting people to ask me about it, why I cut it, etc.  I got a lot cut off.  I don't see how they haven't noticed.  But apparently people just don't pay much attention.  Which is OK.  I didn't really want to to explain why I got it cut, anyway.
• One of Cayenne's tumors is bleeding again.  Her belly was looking so nice.  Then today, I was out for a while, and when I came home I noticed a large spot of dried blood on her blankie on the couch.  There was also some blood smeared on the windowsill by her food and water dishes.  That's not unexpected, but still, I hated to see it.
• I think the red lights are actually helping at night.  I feel like I've slept better the last two nights.  The first night, I was kind of anxious because they didn't provide quite as much light as I would have liked.  I also really don't like the color red that much so I wasn't thrilled with them at first.  But I think they are helping some, which makes me like them a little more.
• I also think the warmer weather is helping.  I knew the cold makes my joints ache.  I just didn't realize how much.  But now that it's warming up some, I feel a lot better.  I still have pain, but it's better.

Red Lights and Melatonin and Sleep and Stuff

I recently was reading a book about fibromyalgia and in it, the author was talking about sleep and melatonin and how light affects the production of melatonin.  You've probably heard of melatonin.  It's a hormone naturally produced by the body, though you can also buy it as a dietary supplement.  The supplement is supposed to help you sleep and to help with jet lag or to help people that work odd shifts by helping to re-adjust your body clock.

Well, apparently during the daytime, during daylight hours, your body produces almost no melatonin.  Once the sun starts going down and it begins to get dark out, your body starts making a lot more melatonin and this makes you get sleepy.  However, indoor lighting can affect the production of melatonin, so if you keep the lights bright inside even after dark, you won't get tired.  Or maybe you will get tired, but you'll have trouble sleeping. 

According to the book I was reading, even a small amount of light can interfere with the production of melatonin, so it's important to sleep in a dark room.  Even the light from a computer or television set can interfere with a good night's sleep, because it interferes with melatonin production.

Well, I have heard that you're not supposed to watch television or use your laptop in bed.   That's all part of what's called "sleep hygiene," along with stuff like going to bed and getting up at the same time every day, sleeping in a dark, cool, quiet, comfortable room, not doing anything other than sleeping or having sex in your bed (I'm not sure why they always make an exception for sex, maybe just because some people are so... conservative that the idea of having sex anywhere but the bed might shock them?), etc.  But I'd never heard that it had anything to do with melatonin production.

And I pretty much ignore the whole "sleep hygiene" thing because when I try getting up at the same time every day, even if I haven't slept at night, all that does is cause me to be exhausted.  It doesn't help me sleep the next night.  I know from experience.  I don't sleep in a dark room because I can't, because I'm scared to go to sleep in a dark room due to my PTSD.  For the same reason, I have trouble sleeping in a quiet room.  I like listening to music or a movie or something.  And while I think my bed is a fine place for having sex, I see no reason to confine those activities to the bed... oh, I guess I'm going a bit astray there.  Sorry.  Anyway, I very rarely even sleep in my bed.  I usually sleep on the couch.  I feel much safer there.

Anyway.  I'd never heard all that about melatonin production and light at night, so I did some research.  I found an article published by Harvard Medical School that said the amount of light produced by just two average nightlights was enough to significantly impact melatonin production and interfere with sleep.  According to the Harvard article, if you need to have a light on at night, it's best to use a red-tinted light bulb.  For some reason, that has the least impact on melatonin production.  Blue light, on the other hand, is the worst.

So I decided to experiment.  Back at Christmas time, I really enjoyed the lights on the Christmas tree.  They were bright enough that I was able to turn out all the other lights in the house, but I think they were dim enough that I was able to sleep better.  I had actually considered buying a string of lights of some kind and putting them up somewhere in my house after Christmas was over.

So I decided to do that now, but with a string of red lights.  Red, I have to say, is not my favorite color.  I'd rather have white lights.  Or yellow.  Or blue.  Or green.  But Harvard says it should be red.  So red is what I got.  They were only $7 from Amazon.  They arrived today.  I think they look a little more pinkish than red, which I'm not that fond of, either, but if they actually work, I think I'll decide I love them.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them.  Right now, I have them draped over a bookcase.  If I decide they work and I like them, I'll do something a bit more decorative with them.  I thought maybe I'd buy a grapevine wreath and wrap the string of lights around it and hang it on the wall.  Something like that.  If I do, I'll post a picture.

Pain Management

I've been talking with friends and acquaintances recently about pain medication and it seems that doctors are getting more and more reluctant to prescribe pain meds.  One friend told me that heroin addiction is on the rise among senior citizens because they can't get adequate pain medication from their doctors and apparently heroin is cheaper than buying pain meds on the street.  How scary is that?  And how sad?

I have a friend that recently had a total knee replacement.  She had her other knee done a while ago and after that surgery, her orthopedic surgeon prescribed Vicodin for her to take before physical therapy appointments because the therapy was so painful.  This time, he has refused to do that for some reason.  She told me that at her last appointment with him, he was complaining how many of his patients have been cancelling their physical therapy appointments.  He didn't seem to get that the reason they are cancelling may be related to his refusing to prescribe pain meds for that purpose.  Duh.  Patients don't want to do very painful therapy without any pain medication.  Imagine that.

My friend is supposed to do physical therapy once a week for eight to 12 weeks.  She wants two Vicodin per week.  Sixteen to 24 pills.  Seriously, no one is going to get addicted taking two Vicodin a week.  I don't think it would be possible to abuse two Vicodin a week.  I guess you can get a slight buzz off two Vicodin, although you probably wouldn't even get that if you abused Vicodin on any kind of a regular basis.

Another friend offered to give me a few Vicodin that he had left from something, I think having some dental work done.  I told him that if I could have two, that would be super.  I was imagining one night of being able to sleep without pain keeping me awake.  Today, he gave me 10.

I can't even explain how precious those 10 pills seem to me.  They were in an envelope.  I brought them home, found an empty pill bottle to keep them in, tore off the corner of that envelope and poured them into the bottle.  I always label any container I store meds in other than the original bottle, so I made a sky blue label for the bottle.  I set the bottle on my kitchen counter for the day.  I thought of putting it on my alter.

At bedtime, I straightened out my covers, turned down the lights, and took two Vicodin along with one of my few remaining Flexeril.  Twenty minutes later, I lay down and I didn't hurt.  I didn't fall asleep and I kind of didn't want to.  I just wanted to enjoy the feeling.  I was able to lay in one position for a long time.  My arms didn't hurt.  My hands didn't hurt.  My hips didn't hurt.   My toe didn't hurt.  How stupid does that sound?  But my little toe on my right foot has been hurting a lot.

I felt a little sad because really, how sad is it that it's been a long, long time since I was able to lie still for a while without hurting?  It's been a little over a year since I had any Vicodin.  It's been a month since I came off the Tramadol, but that didn't allow me to lie down at night without pain.  It just made the pain more bearable.  But gods, does it feel good right now.  One night without pain.  Priceless.

Edited to add: So I slept really, really well last night.  I woke up feeling rested.  I noticed when I got up this morning that my blankets were still neatly arranged.  Usually, they are all twisted into knots when I wake up.  Apparently last night, I didn't twist and turn all night like I usually do.  It is so amazing to wake up actually feeling rested.

Sometimes I Hate Night

I hate night a lot lately, actually.

I cope with the pain pretty well during the day, for the most part.  I hurt, but I can deal with it.  I can ignore it.  I can distract myself.

At night, I can't.  It's hard to sleep because of the pain, but I'm tired, I can't keep myself busy and distracted from the pain all night.

And then that pain, that unrelenting pain, triggers memories of being in the emergency room and of my childhood, and it's hard to cope with those memories at night when I'm tired and in pain.

And it's lonely.  I think of all the people I know, think of calling someone, and think of all the reasons I shouldn't bother them.  Plus, I don't know what I'd say if I did call someone.  They'd ask what they could do, how they could help, and I don't know.  I don't know what I want or what I need.

And the night seems so long like that.

When Pacing Myself Sucks

A few days ago, I wrote about how I've been learning to pace myself.  How important it is to do so.  But sometimes it sucks.  Sometimes I really sucks.

Today a friend issued an invitation that I really, really wanted to accept.  I almost did, without thinking too much about it.

But then I did think.  It would involve getting up really early.  This morning, I was up at 3:30 am.  Cayenne woke me up hacking up a big juicy hairball on the couch, which happens to be where I was sleeping.  Since I don't enjoy big juicy hairballs on my feet when I sleep, I decided I better get up and clean it up.  Plus, you know, I was already awake.

I got up, cleaned up the big juicy hairball, and discovered I was cold and sore and achy.  I decided I needed a hot bath.  With Epsom salts and eucalyptus essential oil, which, by the way, is very good for relieving muscle aches. 

It was so early, Isaac didn't even want to get up.  He rolled his eyes in my direction when I looked in the bedroom at him.  I did nap a bit later, but my point is, I was up very early and am running on far too little sleep.

And tomorrow, I have to go buy dog food.  I have to.  Isaac will be eating a small-than-normal breakfast in the morning because he has less than one cup of dog food left.  I was going to get dog food today but I have a coupon that is not good until tomorrow and it's for 10% off everything I buy at the farm supply store where I get dog food.  But I must get it tomorrow.  And lifting a 30 lb. bag of dog food off the shelf in the store and into my cart, then out of my cart and into my trunk, is really, really difficult for me.  I will probably have muscle spasms in my back.  I will hurt.

Doing that on top of getting very little sleep would not be wise.  It would be really stupid.

So I declined the invitation.  But it sucks.  Because a normal person should be able to get up early and still buy dog food.

Hypnic Jerks and Other Annoyances

Do you know what a hypnic jerk is?  No, it's not a particular type of rude or annoying person.  It's that full-body jerk that sometimes happens as you are dropping off to sleep, usually accompanied or immediately preceded by a feeling of falling.  Often, it wakes you up and then it takes time to settle back down and drop off to sleep again.

Well, I've been having those hypnic jerks a lot lately.  I think it may be a side effect of either my pain medication or my muscle relaxer.  It really sucks because not only does it wake me up when I already have enough trouble sleeping, but it frequently causes a muscle spasm in my back, which is really painful.

Also, today my hips were hurting a lot.  They actually feel OK now but earlier, they were feeling bad.  This is the first time they've hurt this much. That bothers me.  I feel like things are getting worse and worse.  First it was my right elbow, then it was my left knee, too, and now my hips.

And my right arm is getting really bad, whatever it is that's wrong with it.  Besides hurting a lot every time I move it, and besides the raw/irritated/burning feeling I frequently have on my elbow, and besides the bruised feeling I have in my right forearm, I feel like I have less strength in than I used to.  I am having trouble doing things like opening jars and childproof pill bottles.  Although it's hard to say for sure whether I'm having trouble because it's painful to do those things or because my arm is too weak.  I don't know. 

Taking Down the Tree

Last night I started taking the ornaments off my Christmas tree and today I packed them all away.  I realized, though, that I didn't really want to take down the tree.

I have found that the lights on the tree provide just the right amount of light at night so I can sleep without having the overhead light on.  Due to my PTSD, I often have trouble turning off all the lights at night.  Even if I am feeling all right and am able to go to sleep with the lights off, if I have a nightmare and wake up in the dark, it's really scary for me.  Isaac can get up and turn on a light for me if that happens, which helps.  But most nights, I have to sleep with a light on.

The light makes it hard for me to fall asleep, though.  I end up with my arm over my eyes or my pillow halfway over my face, because the light is too bright and it bothers me.

The lights on the tree have been perfect, though.  I can turn off the overhead light and it's dim enough to sleep but there is enough light that my PTSD doesn't get triggered and I feel safe and there's no panic if I wake up in the middle of the night. 

I think I need to get some sort of a small lamp that will provide about the same amount of light as my tree.  I'll have to look for one.  In the meantime, I decided to leave my tree up for a couple more days.

On Sleeping Alone

I sleep alone these days and to be honest, most of the time I prefer it that way.  There is no one to hog the bed (or the couch, since that is where I sleep most of the time) or the blankets other than Cayenne, and since she weighs seven pounds, I win any tug-o-war over the blankets or any territorial dispute over couch space.  The  main reason I prefer sleeping alone, other than the fact that I just don't have any person I really want sharing my bed at the moment, at least not in an, umm, sexual way, is that I just don't sleep well.  I wake up a lot, I toss and turn, I sleep a few hours if I'm lucky and then I'm up for an hour or two.  I disturb anyone that shares my bed and I don't like to bother people when they are sleeping.  For gosh sakes, Isaac won't even sleep with me most nights because I am so restless in my sleep.  And I need the light on most nights and most other people I know prefer to sleep in the dark.  Go figure.

So most of the time, I'm happy enough sleeping alone.

The last few weeks, though, my sleep has been worse than usual.  I think it's due to all the dental problems I've been dealing with.  I've had more stress, more pain, more nightmares, my bad memories, more flashbacks, that kind of stuff. 

It is now a little after midnight and I got about an hour's restless sleep before getting up again.  I am exhausted but I can't sleep.

What I wish right now is that I had someone here with me.  I'd feel safer.  I want someone to hold me, someone that doesn't care if I am restless and keep them awake.  Someone to hold me and tell me I'm safe, to comfort me and soothe me and help me rest.  How weird is it that I'm sitting here thinking of who I might be able to call and ask to come over tomorrow and take a nap with me?  That's pretty weird, huh?

Sleeping Arrangements

I had hoped that my service dog would sleep with me at night but Isaac does not.  Well, he does every great once in a while.  But not often.  He is super snuggly during the day but I thought he just liked a lot of room at night when he was sleeping.

I have had an overnight guest here a couple times lately, though, and I have found that Isaac is happy to sleep in bed with my guest.  He just doesn't like to sleep with me.

My feelings are not hurt by that.  I am thinking I must still be really restless in my sleep.  I know I used to be but I had thought that had gotten better.  Like, I used to wake up screaming often but I very rarely do that now.  But I also know sometimes Mike would tell me I was screaming in my sleep but I didn't wake up doing it and I would never have known if he hadn't told me the next morning.  I also know sometimes I would wake up hitting or kicking him.  And I used to wake up kicking the cats off the bed sometimes.  For a long time Cayenne refused to sleep with me because I'd kicked her off the bed too many times.  I had assumed I didn't do that so much anymore, but I usually sleep alone these days, so maybe I do and just don't know it because there is no one to tell me about it in the morning.

Adjusting to a New Place

Isaac and I are all moved in now.  By that, I mean that all my stuff is here at the new apartment.   All my stuff is not put away yet.  I'm still working on that.  I am exhausted.  Isaac
says he is worn out, too, although I'm not sure why because he did not do much work.

We are both adjusting to being in a new place.  I didn't sleep well last night, which is nothing new for me, and I expected I would have some trouble sleeping in a new place.  It's hard to get used to new sounds and stuff like that.  I had nightmares about the hospital last night.

I'm working with Isaac, helping him get used to things here.  We've been practicing turning on lights in all the rooms, so he can get used to where the light switches are here.  I've been having him bring me my medication, so he can get used to where it's kept here.  There is an elevator in our building, and Isaac has learned the word "elevator" now; I ask him, "Where's the elevator?" and he trots down the hall to it.

He barks sometimes when he hears someone in the hallway or hears another apartment door slam shut.  He's just letting me know he heard something.  He's not real worried about it, but he's not sure what noises are normal here and what noises aren't.  This afternoon I started rewarding him with a yummy treat if we hear a noise and he doesn't bark.  I say, "Quiet," and praise him, and give him a treat.

Last Night's Dreams

Last night I dreamed my back was really bad and I was taken to a hospital via ambulance.  I'm not sure which hospital I was taken to, but it wasn't my local hospital (which sucks royally) because I specifically told the paramedics not to take me there.  I wish I knew which hospital it was, because the nurse there was really nice.  She gave me some wonderful pain medication in my IV and then she brought  me this big chocolate cookie.  How great is that?

I've decided to interpret that as meaning it might be OK to seek some medical care after all.  I had a good experience with the nurse in my dream.  Maybe I can have a good experience in real life.

Do you think it also means I should eat a cookie?

Then I dreamed that I was babysitting all these little kids.  I don't know whose kids they were or whose house I was at, but there was a skunk in the house.  It fell in through a hole in the roof.  Anyone want to guess what that might mean?

I looked up skunks in one of those dream dictionaries and it said skunks represent unexpressed anger.  Then I looked up skunks in a dictionary of animal totems and it said skunks are good at self-protection and knowing when to act in self-defense (apparently they don't spray every time they feel threatened because it actually takes a couple weeks to build up a new supply of stinky stuff, so they have to save it for when they really, really need it). 

So I think I do have some anger I need to deal with, although I feel like I have expressed it, it just hasn't gotten me anywhere.  And I need to learn that I can protect myself and I need to learn to discern when I am really in danger and when I am not.

If I can become better at discerning when I am in danger and when I am not, I can seek medical care at least some of the times when I need it, because it won't always be risky to do so.

Don't you love it when your dreams make sense?

Nightmares

When I first started thinking about a service dog, one of the things I hoped my dog could do for me was to wake me up at night when I have nightmares.  You can't really train a dog to do that.  Some dogs will do it, but it's usually something they do naturally, not something they are trained to do.  In order to train a dog to do that, someone would have to stay awake all night and watch me for signs that I was having a nightmare, then cue the dog to wake me when that happened.  Someone would have to do that many times, rewarded the dog when he did wake me, in order to train him to do it.  Since I don't know anyone that wants to spend night after night after night watching me sleep, Isaac has not been trained to wake me from nightmares.

I thought he might do it on his own.  I thought maybe if I was restless in my sleep, it would wake him and then he would wake me.  He sometimes sleeps with me, but not always; sometimes he sleeps on the floor or on the loveseat nearby.  I'm sure he sometimes hears me when I have nightmares, if I am really restless or if I yell in my sleep (I used to do that a lot, but don't do it so often anymore, but still do it occasionally).  If I wake up, I can easily summon him, if I need him.  But that's not the same as his waking me from nightmares.

Well, last Sunday morning, about 6:30 am, Isaac woke me up.  I was having a nightmare at the time, but I assumed he was just waking me up because it was 6:30 and he wanted to go out to pee.  I thought it was  just a coincidence that I was having a nightmare at the time.  I was glad he woke me when he did, though.

But yesterday morning, he woke me at 6:10 am.  That's a typical time for him to get up and want to go out.  But I happened to be having a nightmare at that time, too.  Maybe it is just a coincidence.  But maybe he is going to start waking me from nightmares now.  I really wish he would.

Nightmares

The last few days, I've had a lot of nightmares.  Nightmares is a common symptom of PTSD.  I've had nightmares for years and years; sometimes I go for up to several weeks without one, sometimes I have them almost every night.  The nightmares usually seem to get worse whenever there is a lot of stress going on in my life, but sometimes they get worse for no reason that I can determine.

I used to wake up screaming from nightmares a lot.  Sometimes the screaming would wake me up.  Sometimes I would scream but I guess I was still asleep.  In the morning, Mike would tell me I had been screaming during the night.  When I lived in an apartment, I used to wonder what my upstairs neighbors thought about all the screaming in the middle of the night.  I don't wake up screaming very often anymore, so I guess that's an improvement.

Sometimes the nightmares are about things that happened to me as a child, the things that caused the PTSD.  Sometimes they are about other things, but I think the feelings are still related to the PTSD. 

One of the things I am really hoping my service dog can help with are the nightmares.  When I wake up from a nightmare, my dog will be able to turn on a light for me.  That's supposing the lights are off to begin with, that is; it's actually been a while since I've been able to fall asleep with the lights off.  But if needed, my dog can turn on a light for me.  And I'm hoping that just the presence of the dog will be comforting and reassuring and help me feel safe.  And the dog will be trained to get my anxiety medication for me, if I need it, and to distract me if I'm getting too far withdrawn into myself.

I don't think having a service dog will keep me from having nightmares.  I'm just hoping the dog will make it easier to deal with them.

PTSD and Fear of the Dark

I feel silly just saying I am afraid of the dark because it’s something we are supposed to outgrow as children, isn’t it?  And anyway, it’s not always true.  Sometimes I have no fear of the dark.  Sometimes I even like it.  Sometimes I feel safe in the dark; no one can see me.  And it’s restful for my eyes.  And I have always been comfortable moving around in the dark; I can find my way around my house in the dark without bumping into things, for instance.  I can take a CD out of my CD player and put in a new one, without turning the light on. 

But then there are times I am afraid.  I relate it to my PTSD, although I’m not really sure that’s always what it’s about.  There are plenty of nights I sleep with a light on, usually with a blanket pulled over my eyes to shield them from the light, because the light bothers me when I am trying to sleep.  And yet, I am afraid to turn the light off.

One of the tasks I want my service dog to be trained to do for me is turn on lights.  I may need to replace the light switches in my home, or some of them, at least, with those switches that are like touch pads.  You just push them and the light comes on; push them again and the light goes out.  I’ve read that they are easier for a dog to operate than the typical light switches that have to be flipped up and down. 

Also, I often sleep on the living room couch at night and the lights in the living room are not operated by switches at all.  There is no overhead fixture, only two lamps, one at either end of the couch.  I saw a video about a service dog recently and the dog was stepping on a round switch on the floor to turn on a light.  When I say switch, in the this case I am not talking about a light switch like you would have on a wall, but the type of switch a disabled person might use to turn something electronic on and off.  I tried to find a picture online of what I’m talking about, but the closest I could find was this plate switch which is rectangular instead of round.  When I worked with kids with disabilities, though, we always had round ones.  Anyway, my dog will need a way to turn on a light in the living room.

I want my service dog to be able to turn on a light in the room when I have a nightmare, preferably without me having to give the command to do so, because it can take me a while to wake up enough to realize what’s happening and that I need a light on.  I also need my dog to go into a dark room ahead of me and turn a light on.  As I said, I can find my way around the house in the dark just fine, and sometimes I have no trouble walking into a dark room.  Other times, though, I’m terrified of walking into a dark room. 

A couple nights ago, it was the middle of the night and I had to pee.  Normally when I’m up late at night and Mike is already in bed, I don’t turn on the hall light when I go down the hall to the bathroom because the light shines into the bedroom and I don’t want to disturb him.  I walk down the dark hall and into the dark bathroom, where I might turn on the light and close the door, or I might just leave the door open enough that a very little bit of light comes in from the living room. 

But this particular night, that hall looked too long and too dark.  I started to walk down it a couple times, then stopped and returned to the living room, where it was light.  I could not bring myself to walk down that dark hall.  By that time I really had to pee and I was trying to figure out what to do.  Briefly I considered my options; there really is nowhere else to pee in my house but in that bathroom at the end of that dark hall.  Waiting until daylight was not going to work.

I finally decided to turn the hall light on.  Don’t ask me why it took such as long time to decide to do that.  When I am anxious or other PTSD symptoms are bad, my problem solving skills go down the drain.  Even with the hall light on, it was hard to walk into that dark bathroom.  You have to go around a corner to get into the bathroom and light from the hall does leak into the bathroom, but it’s dim.  You pretty much have to step into the bathroom before you can turn on the bathroom light.

I finally made it to the bathroom, but it was a time when I really wished I had my service dog already.

Insomnia

I have had insomnia as far back as I can remember.  

I remember in eighth grade, and in high school, lying awake in bed most of the night.  I listened to the radio.  Dr. Ruth had a show at midnight or something like that, and I learned all kinds of interesting things from her and her callers.  Then, about three in the morning, the radio station that was most popular with all the kids my age had a show called “The All Night Barnyard.”  It was funny and off-beat.  I remember they played a lot of Ray Stevens songs.

Anyway, I’ve had insomnia since then.  And I still have it.  I have trouble going to sleep and I wake up frequently during the night.  Ten or 12 years ago, I had a sleep study done.  It found I woke up 11.4 times per hour.  But I did not have sleep apnea and I was getting plenty of oxygen all night, so the doctor that evaluated the sleep study was not concerned.  But think about it.  If you wake up every five minutes all night long, do you think you are going to be well-rested and refreshed in the morning?  Well, I’m not.

I am hoping that my service dog will help me sleep.  The dog will be trained to wake me up if I have nightmares, and he will be trained to turn on the lights if I wake up from a nightmare.  But I’m hoping his presence will help me sleep.  I’m hoping he will make me feel safer.  I hope he likes to sleep with me.  I would love to have him in my bed, or on the couch with me.  I often sleep on the couch since I sleep so poorly and am up so late.  I’m thinking the couch may be a bit crowded with me and a golden retriever on it, but I once spent some time with a friend at her home and she had a greyhound and he slept on the couch with her.  I thought it was sweet.

I’m hoping his warmth, and the sound of his breathing, will comfort me and help me sleep.  And I’m hoping I will feel safe and that will make it easier to fall asleep.  I used to have a cat named Eileen who would sleep right beside me, her head on my shoulder, purring away.  The sound was so soothing to me.  I have three cats now, but they rarely sleep with me.  None of them are as snuggly as Eileen was.  But I am hoping a dog will be snuggly.  Dogs are not independent like cats are.  I hope he wants to sleep with me.

In the meantime, though, I have got to get some rest.  I recently started taking melatonin, 3 mg, and am hoping that will help.  I’ve tried a number of medications for sleep but I don’t like the drugged feeling I get before I fall asleep when I take them.  I’m still awake but feel so drugged I can’t sit up, can’t do anything, can’t think.  And it scares me.  I feel panicky and I try to fight it.  And sometimes I stay awake and then the medication eventually wears off and I’m still awake.  Other times I do fall asleep, but that feeling is so upsetting to me that I don’t want to take the medication.  I also hate the hung over feeling I get the next morning.

So I’m trying the melatonin.  I’m not getting that horrible drugged feeling before I go to sleep with it.  I don’t feel hung over in the morning, either, although I have been very sleepy the last couple days.  I think that might just be because I’ve been surviving on about four hours of sleep per night for several weeks, though, not because of the melatonin.

Those of you that have dogs, do they sleep with you?  Do they hog the bed?  Eileen used to hog my pillow.  She also used to drool when she was really relaxed.  I know cats don’t usually drool, but she sure did.  Sometimes she would be sleeping with her head on my shoulder, purring away, and kitty slobber would be running down my shoulder, down my arm.  Yuck.  But I loved her.  I didn’t even mind the slobber, really. 

Dogs tend to slobber more than cats, though, right?  And a golden retriever is a lot bigger than a cat.  I hope my dog doesn’t slobber too much.  Even if he does, though, I want him to sleep with me.