Saw the Surgeon... Sigh, I am Depressed

I actually like the surgeon.  I'll start with the positive.  I told him I have PTSD and that doctors and hospitals make me very anxious.  He seemed understanding and in fact told me that he also has PTSD, as a result of  having been a combat surgeon in Iraq.  He added that he realizes his PTSD is not as severe as mine is, but said he understands the anxiety one can have with the condition.  So that was nice.

The doula showed up late, which made me even more anxious and also made me angry.  I'm still angry about it.  She had agreed to meet me there 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment and ten minutes after she was supposed to be there, she called me and said she was sorry she was running late and that she was almost there and would be there in just a few minutes.  By that time, I was thinking she just wasn't going to show and I was anxious and trying not to cry and also feeling sorry for myself because apparently I cannot even pay someone to care enough to be there for me at a time like this.

She finally did show up, about 25 minutes after my scheduled appointment time, about 40 minutes after she was supposed to be there, half an hour after she called to say she would be there in a few minutes.  I had not seen the surgeon yet, but I was in the exam room, dressed in a hospital gown, had already had vital signs taken, already talked to the medical assistant, etc.  The appointment was half over; we were out of the office about half an hour later.  By the time she got there, I was anxious, angry, depressed, and trying not to cry.  I was also shut down, dissociating; I had turned off the feelings as much as I could and was just trying to get through the moment.

She apologized several times and told me she is never late.  Well, apparently that's not true, because she was late today.  I did tell her that I was extremely anxious and that her being so late did not help and that I had been thinking that I can't even pay someone to care enough to be there for me.  She apologized again.  I didn't really care.  Her apologies didn't make me feel any better.  I thought I'd explained pretty well how anxious I was and how important it was to me to have support for the appointment, but she didn't make sure she was there on time.  And it wasn't like there was a horrible accident that shut down the highway or something.  She was just late.

Because she was late and I was angry and everything, I didn't really trust her.  Having her there didn't make me feel better.  In fact, I almost asked her to just leave.  Looking back on it now, I kind of wish I had.

After my appointment, she told me to call her if I needed her to go with me for the biopsy, which will be done in a couple weeks.  Yeah, right.  Why would I want her to do that, when I can't count on her to show up on time?  I gave her the check I'd made out for her services and said goodbye and left.  Now I'm sorry I paid her.  At least, I wish I'd told her I only wanted to pay half the fee, since she was only there for half the appointment.  Maybe I'll email her and tell her I want a partial refund.  I don't know.  I didn't want to do anything like that out of anger, and I was very angry, but I don't have a lot of money and it was difficult to come up with the cash to pay her and then she didn't even show up on  time.  I feel like she should have offered to reduce the fee, really.  I shouldn't have to ask.

Anyway.  Moving on.

I need a biopsy, which I already knew.  The surgeon said it should be done at the hospital so they can do it under fluoroscopy, a special kind of x-ray to guide the needle.  If I understood him correctly, he was recommending I be sedated for the procedure, but I don't think that is mandatory.  I think he just felt it would be better in terms of managing the pain and anxiety and PTSD and stuff.  That sounded good to me.  I talked to him about pain management and he said there would be some pain afterwards but that he would prescribe pain medication.

That all sounded good to me but here is the problem.  If I am sedated for the procedure, I cannot drive myself home afterward.  I'm not sure yet when the procedure will be; it will be either May 1 or May 15.  They are supposed to call me tomorrow to let me know.  Well, a friend had told me she would go with me for the biopsy, but now she can't get off work if it's on May 1.  I am trying not to complain, because I know people have to work and they need their jobs and they can't just drop everything because I need a ride.  But it's not like I chose for this to happen now and it's not like I have a lot of choice about when the procedure will be.  When you need surgery, you have to do it when the surgeon is available and when an OR is available.  That's just how it works.

I don't trust the doula to do it, even if I could come up with the money for her to go with me.  I'm trying to think of other options and I'm coming up pretty blank.  People are saying things like oh, they would love to help if only they lived closer or if only they could get off work, etc.  Well, I understand why they can't do it.  I really do.  But... well, this is important.  I mean, I need a surgical procedure to find out if I have cancer.  I think it's sad that there is no one in my life that sees it as so important they would just drop everything in order to be there.  I understand why they can't, I really do.  But shouldn't there be someone?  At least one person, in this whole wide world?

I was thinking of taking a cab, if the hospital would release me to a cab instead of a friend or family member.  But the hospital is a 20 minute drive from where I live now and about a 45 minute drive from my new apartment, where I will be living when it's time for the biopsy.  That would be a really expensive cab ride.  And I'd have to take a cab there, too, because if I drove myself there and then took a cab home, my car would still be at the hospital and I'd have no way to get it back.

Then I thought, maybe I could stay in a hotel near the hospital.  I could probably find a cheap place and then it would only be a couple miles.  The cost of a hotel plus a cab for a short distance would probably be cheaper than a cab from my apartment.  I don't know how comfortable I would be at a hotel.  But it might work.

Then I thought, maybe I can just be awake for the procedure.  I think being sedated was optional, I think the surgeon just thought that would be easier.  But if I was awake, they would use a local anesthetic so it probably wouldn't be that painful.  Then I could drive myself home.  I don't know how much pain I will be in afterward but probably not too much pain to drive.  I could take my pain meds as soon as I got home.  I'm sure being awake for the procedure would make me anxious but at least then I wouldn't have to worry about a ride and I wouldn't have to feel guilty about inconveniencing everyone.

I'm depressed, though.  I just don't have the energy for this right now.  I want to use my energy focusing on my health, on getting through this with as little emotional trauma as possible.  Instead, I feel like I have to worry about everyone else and how to make things as easy as possible for them.