Friday, November 15, 2013

The Root of Fear

I've been thinking the last couple days about how frightened I got thinking about winter and the risk of falling on the ice.  I think the reason for my fear, the root of it, is the feeling that I can't take care of myself, can't protect myself, and that no one else is take care of me or protect me, either.  It's strange how threads connect in our minds, isn't it?  You wouldn't think the experience of being sexually abused as a child would have much in common with the experience of falling on an ice walkway, but there are little pieces of both pictures that are the same.  There are emotions and thoughts that go with both experiences that are the same, and when those connect, other emotions and thoughts start to occur, not based on the real experience but on the emotions and thoughts from the other, seemingly unrelated, experience.  Am I making sense there?

I don't think those fears are unrealistic, really.  Maybe the intensity of them is out of proportion.  But the truth is, if I fall on the ice, if it happens late at night, I really could be lying there until morning.  One of my neighbors has a home health aide that arrives around 7:00 am.  I could be lying on the ground from 11:00 pm until she arrives at 7:00 am. 

And if I was injured, if I needed help at home for a while, there is no one that could help me.  I might talk Mike into going to the store for me one time to pick up just a few things.  Maybe.  There is no one else I could even ask to go to the store for me.  There is no one that could do laundry for me or other things around the house.  I could ask Isaac's dog walker if, instead of taking Isaac for his hour long run, he would be willing to come to the house two or three times a day to take him for short walks to pee.  He might do that, but he couldn't do it every day, because he goes to school and has a job.  So he might be able to help with taking Isaac out but he couldn't do it all the time and there is no one else that could help me with Isaac.

Is it likely that I will fall this winter and hurt myself badly?  I don't know.  I fell twice last winter.   Both times I was able to get back up.  Once a friend was with me, but I didn't need much help getting up.  The other time I was alone and it took me a minute, but I got up and walked back to my house.  So I fell, and I survived it, and I had some bruises, but it wasn't that bad.  I was not left lying on the ground for hours and I didn't need help doing basic stuff at home afterward.  I wasn't injured badly.  Probably, if I fall this winter, I'll be OK.

But it's possible I won't.  And I'm afraid.


  1. I hope you don't fall, and that you find people in your buiding to look out for you so if you do fall, they are there to notice and help you up. I hope you can find someone in your building to help with things like taking out the trash so its not a concern for you. Falling with your back problems is a legitimate concern. There has to be a solution so you don't live in fear all winter!

    1. Does it seem like a legitimate concern? Sometimes I feel like I am making a big deal out of something small. I am really isolated and that is a big problem for me. People in my building would help if they realized I had fallen or something. A few weeks ago, I was outside with Isaac and he spotted a deer and took off after it, pulling the leash out of my hand. One of my neighbors saw him running from her window but she couldn't see me. She was afraid I had fallen or something and that was how he'd gotten away from me and she came outside in her bathroom to look for me. Maybe it's more that I feel really alone than that I really am. I don't know.