Tuesday, February 4, 2014

I Am So Out Of Spoons

Yesterday, I had a long list of errands to run.

I left my house about 8 am and stopped by the rental office to pay my rent.  I went to the gas station and filled up my car, drove 40 minutes to  Meijer (where I bought vitamins, protein bars, dog treats and an MP3 player, so it's not like I did a ton of shopping), went to the farm supply store to buy dog food, went to Cayenne's vet to pick up anti-inflammatory medication for her (I called ahead so they had it waiting for me so that was a quick stop), went to the post office (where there was no line so I was in and out quickly), went to the pharmacy where I went through the drive up window so I didn't even have to get out of the car (and Isaac hit the jackpot and scored a whole handful of treats from the pharmacy technician), and went to the bank to get quarters for laundry (where I also went through the drive up window so I didn't have to get out of the car, and where Isaac scored another treat).  Then I drove 40 minutes home and hauled all my stuff inside.  The whole thing took me just over three hours.

A normal person would not be completely exhausted by that, right?  I mean, it was a lot of stuff but it only took a few hours and I spent more time sitting in the car then I did actually out doing things.

I came home and sat on the couch.  I tried to set up my MP3 player, or started to, anyway, and decided I was too tired to figure it out.  The dog walker came and took Isaac out for a run (yay!  First run in two weeks.  But I was so worn out I could barely stay awake and Isaac had enough energy to go for an hour-long run).  I ate a protein bar for dinner because I was too exhausted to fix anything.

I fell asleep on the couch about 6:30 pm and slept for four hours.  I got up about 10:30 pm, took Isaac out to pee, had something to drink and went back to sleep.  Isaac woke me up this morning at 5:30 am and I had to drag myself out of bed to take him out.

This is ridiculous.  I should not be this worn out after spending three hours running errands.

I am supposed to be having a friend over for dinner tonight.  Not only does that mean I need to cook dinner, but in order to do that, I have to go to the grocery store.  I also need to do a bit of cleaning up around the house.

I barely had enough energy to stand up in the kitchen long enough to make a protein shake for breakfast.

I'm frustrated by this, but even the frustration, and probably some feelings of guilt as well, feels blunted or dull.  I don't have enough energy to be really frustrated.  Frustration takes energy.

I didn't feel like I was pushing myself too much yesterday.  I felt OK while I was running my errands.  I'm surprised to find myself this exhausted.

I think I have to cancel my dinner plans for this evening. I don't see how I can go grocery shopping when I'm think tired.


  1. Hi Kelly, sorry to hear you were feeling so tired. A couple of things occurred to me:
    (1) a "normal" person (whatever that is!) could very well feel tired after 3 hours of running errands. I consider myself relatively normal (on most days) and am tired sometimes even without going to the store or anywhere for that matter.
    (2) Everyone has different energy levels on different days and at different times of day. But even more importantly, it's hard not to but it's better if we don't compare ourselves to others. I have caught myself doing this especially with a female boss at work who does tons of things over the weekend from social events to volunteering. She has a crazy amount of energy and I envy that. But that's her and not me. I have other qualities that I'm sure she doesn't have. We're all different and changing every day. There's no point in judging myself or shaming myself for what I am capable of doing on a given day. It is what it is! Self- acceptance is so much healthier from a mental healthy standpoint. It takes work. I am working on this and have a long way to go.
    (3) We won't always know the reason why we feel tired or feel a certain way and that's OK. I don't always know why I have allergic reactions to foods that should be safe. It drives me nuts because I want to figure out the problem and come up with a solution. But the fact of the matter is, there isn't always a solution or an answer.

    Try not to let frustration steal your joy or peace. It only makes things worse. I'm sure your friend would understand if you rescheduled your dinner plans. Or maybe you could amend them so that you don't have to go to the store but the person picks something up that is healthy such as a sub sandwhich. There are things you can do instead but you should respect your body's signals that you are tired and need rest.

    I hope you feel more energetic soon and can embrace self-acceptance and not judge yourself. It is very hard and I do it all the time but it's just not worth it.

    1. You're right, of course. Self-acceptance is much healthier (and more pleasant-feeling, too) than judging or shaming. I'm just frustrated. I've been trying to be more careful about scheduling activities, because doing too much (or trying to do too much) tends to make my pain worse. But what I did yesterday, I thought I could handle. I did go to the store today to pick up a few things and I did a little straightening up around the house, but I rescheduled dinner for another day.

    2. I remember when I fractured my back. Even just heading from my couch to my bedroom, up stairs was exhausting! I still get these days. I have to take it easy. Working with Shadow (my puppy in training) has encouraged me to take it easy. He loves to get out and going, but needs a break frequently just to play. Taking him out back and just sitting and throwing his ball gives him a break and me a time out from walking around and being on my feet (which causes back pain flare ups)

      I hope you start to feel more together and rested soon. Isaac will love you no matter how many walks and runs he gets each day. (ps. I enjoy reading your blog when you update it! I love the stories about Isaac and his training adventures!)

  2. I'm glad you listened to your body's signals and rescheduled your dinner plans. It's hard for me not to get caught up in the societal pressure that we can and should do it all and have it all. I feel like we're bombarded by the media with messages that we should have limitless energy and always organizing closets and being a perfect friend/lover/parent and never saying no in the interest of self-enrichment or whatever. Being tired has somehow become a personality flaw when in fact it's just our normal response to various stresses. I have a hard time with this myself so your blog post really resonated with me. I find it hard not to be depressed or down on myself when I feel too tired to do things I think I "should" be doing but I just remind myself I have limits and I should respect them without judgment.

    1. You know, I never really thought about being bombarded with media messages about having limitless energy, and now that you say that, I don't know why I never noticed it. I'm aware of the messages in the media that say we should be thin and beautiful and always have our makeup on, etc. And I totally ignore those. I realize they are ridiculous and unrealistic. But I never thought about the media telling us we should have spotless houses and cook gourmet meals if we are having company for dinner (my friend that was coming can't eat wheat or soy, so I have to figure out something to fix that we can both eat) and of course we should get plenty of work done, too. I'll have to remember this.

  3. It's interesting to me that you didn't notice the media bombardment about needing to get it all done. I'm probably more sensitive to it cuz I see it everywhere. I avoid reading magazines (geared toward women especially) such as Good Housekeeping or All You or Glamour because they all seem to imply that we can and should be perfect at decorating and cooking from scratch and being a good friend and balancing work and life etc. and I feel judged when I read them. The only magazine I want to read about is meditating or simplifying my life, no more how-tos on making gifts from things around the home or stuff like that. It seems to me that media just sets up impossible expectations for everyone (men and women alike) and I have a hard time being exposed to them without feeling inadequate. It could just be me though!