Today I moved the couch to get Cayenne out from under it. It had been almost 24 hours since I'd seen her and almost 36 hours since she'd had anything at all to eat or drink, so I was worried. I was kinda scared she was no longer alive under there, to be honest. So I dragged the couch out from the wall and turned it on its side so I could get to her.
She was very much alive, thank goddess. She looked a bit annoyed that I was disturbing her. She jumped up on the back of the couch, which is now the top since it's on its side, and let me pet her. I got her to eat a little canned food and she also ate a few tiny bites of cut up hot dog. She had peed and pooped under the couch (I guess that's good, right? At least her kidneys and intestines are still working), so I cleaned that up. I want to vacuum back there, too, but haven't done that yet because I know the noise of the vacuum bothers her.
I decided to go out and buy some baby food for her. Last summer when she was really sick and refusing to eat, the thing I was finally able to get her to eat was some disgusting chicken and gravy baby food. I can't believe how stinky that stuff was. I can't believe people actually feed it to their babies. But Cayenne really liked it so I got a couple jars for her.
When I got home, I saw that she'd eaten some more of the canned cat food and she was on the window ledge, drinking some water. So I feel good about that. I guess she's going to be with me a little longer.
Earlier today, before I moved the couch, I was at the dollar store picking up some dog treats for Isaac and a couple other things, and while I was in the pet supplies aisle, I thought that maybe I should pick up some canned food for Cayenne. Then I thought, Cayenne might not be around long enough to need more cat food. I still have a few cans at home. It was all I could do not to start crying in the store when I thought that. I did cry once I got back to my car.
I know she's not going to be here forever. She is about 14 years old now, and she is diabetic and has cancer and is losing interest in food. It probably will not be much longer. But I'm not ready. I'm not ready to lose her. I know whether or not I'm ready doesn't matter, and anyway, are we ever really ready to lose someone we love? But I'm not ready.
Oh. And now my couch is turned on its side, so I can't sit on it. I can't put it back by myself, but I'm not sure I want to put it back right now, anyway, because I don't want Cayenne going right back under it where I can't get to her. I want to let the carpet dry, anyway, where I had to clean up cat pee. But this means I have to sit on the floor or on my bed, neither of which is as comfortable on my back as sitting on the couch. Plus my back really hurts from moving the couch in the first place. Blah.
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