I wrote earlier about the Halloween party and how Isaac knocked over a dish of candy corn by wagging his big happy tail. But I didn't really explain how much that upset me.
I want to make it clear that I'm not upset with Isaac. Isaac was so good at that party. I'd been a bit worried because he is used to being in the common area of that building when he's not working, not in his vest, and he is used to seeing our neighbors when he is not working, not in his vest. In fact, many of our neighbors have never seen Isaac in his vest. I think a couple of them saw him the day I came to look at the apartment for the first time, and Isaac was with me, and in his vest then. But he doesn't wear the vest in our building, normally. Most of the time, I keep it in the car. Since Isaac is used to being off duty when he sees those people, and is used to running up to great some of them quite enthusiastically, I was a bit worried he'd want to act like that when he saw them at the party.
But he didn't. He gave them his big goofy doggie smile, and his happy tail was wagging like crazy, but he didn't try to climb in one single person's lap. He did not try to nuzzle anyone's ears. I could see he was happy and excited to see people he likes, but he stayed calm and professional. He was even good when the person sitting next to me tried to feed him a bite of a cookie and I told her not to and she took it away at the last second. Oh, he looked a bit disappointed, and he gave her the sad puppy eyes to try to make her change her mind, but he didn't whine, he didn't beg, he didn't stick his head in her lap and get up to try to sniff at what was on the table. He was so good.
And it's not his fault he knocked the candy dish off the table. That was my fault. I should have been paying more attention. I should have moved the candy dish or else had Isaac move so that his tail was safely away from things he could knock over.
But I was so embarrassed. I was so mad at myself. I'd worked really hard to have things go well for the party. I put so much thought and effort into Isaac's custom, and I know it looks like a really simple costume, and it was simple to make. But I thought really hard about how to make a costume that would be cute but also be comfortable for him to move in. I wanted it to feel to him like wearing his service dog vest so that he would be in "work mode" when he was wearing it. I didn't want anything that would feel awkward or uncomfortable to him, because I didn't want him to act weird because he felt weird in his costume. I tried it on him several times, made alterations, tried it on again. Yesterday I cut his toenails and brushed him so he'd be nicely groomed for the party.
And things were off to such a great start. We went in, found a place to put our cookies on the snack table, greeted a few people, found someone to snap a picture of us. Isaac was behaving beautifully. And then I messed up by not noticing the dish of candy.
I feel like things never go right because I always end up making stupid mistakes.
The fact that I worked so hard to make things go well is probably pathetic because it should not be that hard to prepare for a stupid Halloween party. But it did take a lot of work for me. And even with all that work, I couldn't get through the first 15 minutes without messing something up.
I am anxious and depressed. I just took some more anxiety meds and I'm going to try a hot bath and then go to bed. I had some writing to get done tonight but I don't think that is going to happen. I'm too anxious and depressed to concentrate.
I'm sorry to hear that you feel anxious and depressed about the candy dish. You are very hard on yourself. I get like that too sometimes. But I dont see any evidence that you always mess up at all. You are very diligent and careful about things in your life including doing your best to make sure Isaac is well behaved. I'm glad you are acknowledging your feelings and taking care of yourself by nurturing. Maybe you can try to focus on the many things that went well at the party compared to the one thing that didn't. It sounds like it was a great party and you did all that you could to participate and have a good time. Going to a party with a service dog takes courage. You and Isaac did awesome! I hope you feel better about everything soon!
ReplyDeleteYou're right that I am focusing on the one thing that went wrong instead of all the other things that went right. That just goes along with the depression and PTSD for me. I realize it is possible to learn to change the way we think, and believe me, I've worked on doing that a lot. I've spent a ton of time in therapy and on my own working on it. Did you know that when we spend enough time thinking a certain way, it actually creates neural pathways in the brain that do that? This is a really simplistic description, but it's almost like if you walk the same path often enough, you start to wear a groove in the floor. Once you're worn that groove, it's hard to get out of it. Not impossible, but hard. You can get out of it and you can wear new grooves, but it's hard. These are grooves that were worn a long, long time ago.
Delete