Living with the Memories

I haven't written much here about the actual experiences that led to my developing PTSD.  I'm not going to provide a lot of details because, well, people don't need to know them, they may be triggering to some people, and it's hard for me to talk about.  I'm going to talk about some of it now, though.  Last night was a really rough night for me, which happens sometimes, and sometimes talking - or writing - about it helps.

I was sexually abused by a close family member from about the ages of six through 12.  I'm a bit hesitant to say that the abuse I suffered was "really bad" because that makes it sound like there is some abuse that isn't really bad, and I don't think that's the case at all.  Any abuse of a child is really bad.  But, well, what I experienced... it was really bad.

I keep remembering being really scared and being totally helpless.  Wanting to be able to do something and not being able to.  Having to just lie there and let things happen to me.  I feel it in my body, this desire to fight back, and not being able to.  Having to be quiet and be still and wanting so much to scream and to fight.

Want to know the hardest thing about living with these memories?  It's just that - living with them.  The hardest part comes after you've worked through the feelings, remembered it, talked about it, done all the work.  And then you just have to rest with it.  Hold it inside you, incorporate it into the very fabric of your soul, know that it's yours.  It happened and you can't change it and you just have to live with it, from now until forever.  That's the hardest part.