Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Happy Birthday to Me

Today is my birthday.

Yesterday I baked myself a cake.  I had decided, since I would be spending my birthday alone (well, with Isaac and Cayenne, but otherwise alone), that I would make myself a cake.  It was a huge baking fail. 

First, I had decided I wanted a lemon cake but it is impossible to find sugar free lemon cake mix, so I bought a sugar free yellow cake mix and some lemon extract.  I bought lemon frosting.  When I was baking the cake, though, right after I'd added the extract, I realize I had somehow picked up orange extract, not lemon.  So I thought, OK, I'd have orange cake with lemon frosting.  That would probably taste OK, still, right?

Then the cake stuck to the pans.  I used non-stick cake pans AND I remembered to spray them with non-stick cooking spray, but somehow they managed to stick anyway.  And I mean, they stuck bad.  So, OK, my cake was not going to be very pretty.  It would still taste the same, right?  Yeah, I guess.

It depressed me.  It was a typical over-reaction, which I have sometimes due to my anxiety and depression and stuff.  All I wanted for my birthday was a stupid lemon cake and that wouldn't even turn out right.  I sat down on the floor and cried for a while.  Isaac came over and lay beside me and insisted on a belly rub.  I felt better, got up, and cut the cake up into cubes.  I put some in a dish, put a spoonful of frosting on top of it, and a scoop of no sugar added vanilla ice cream on top of that, and ate it.  It tasted all right.

Birthdays are  hard when you're alone.  I mean, I'm not totally alone, I have friends... but not a lot of close friends.  And a couple of my good friends live far away.  So I am here, in my apartment, alone on my birthday.  I made myself a cake because  no one else was going to make me one.  I thought about buying myself a gift, but since I still owe the dentist $1,195 for my bridge, I decided new teeth would count as my birthday gift to myself.  But no one else is giving me anything.  No one has sent a birthday card.  It's easy to get depressed and think no one cares that it's my birthday and it wouldn't matter if I had never been born.  But I don't want to go there.

8 comments:

  1. Birthday Wishes being sent your way. Hopefully it'll get better. Lemon is my favorite cake flavor too. I get it every year for my birthday. Check into microwave mug cakes. Make yourself a single serving of lemon cake and eat some for me.

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  2. Happy birthday! I didn't know it was your birthday or I would have sent a card. It sucks about your cake but I have some other ideas about it which I posted on your FB site. Birthdays are emotional for me too. I always feel like there's more I wanted to accomplish with my life or I think about what I could have done differently. Feeling alone makes it much worse. People do care that it's your birthday! You matter to a lot of people including me. I hope you treat yourself to something special today and celebrate who you are.

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  3. Happy Birthday Kelly.........A day
    late but Wishing you a Birthday Week....You matter so much , for me , your struggles are almost Exactly what I have.........And my reactions are so close to yours I would think you were talking about me..........I am glad you have a service dog.........I should look into one myself. Back on track, you matter and you do a GREAT service in the way you help all of us and your blog is wonderful.
    You do matter.........And PS..I do not know how to publish except Anonymous, but on the board I am Jen-Honeybee

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    1. Thanks, Jen. I really appreciate the support. Let me know if you do look into getting a service dog or have any questions about how to do so.

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  4. Happy Belated Birthday Kelly - I found your blog while reading one of your responses on vitamins. Just a note to tell you that your information has helped me (and so many others) and been very supportive. You are touching so many lives - SO thank you for being the person you are...caring, supportive, thoughtful and understanding. There are not many of "you" around and I appreciate you ! Have a good day ! Take care
    Debbie / Novemberhills

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    1. Thanks so much, Debbie, for your kind words.

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  5. Happy Belated Birthday Kelly!! Want to hear how my birthday went this year? I was having a great day... went to Costco after supper with my parents and my partner... got what we needed... went to leave and crash... I got into an accident backing out with my parents Mazda (I drive them as my dad is in a wheelchair). The other lady - who was also backing out was such a bi***... totally blaming the wheelchair in the back, saying I was going to fast, etc, etc... well, I made it through that confrontation then I got in the car and started shaking and just bawling... it happened and 430p and I think I cried the rest of the night... I'm glad you got to enjoy your cake :-) I kept wishing for a 'do-over' day... birthdays in 2013 sucked... hoping next year is better!

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    1. Next year will have to be better, right?

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