Thursday, April 30, 2015


Sometimes I get so frustrated by my disability.

No, that's not quite accurate. By my limitations. By the things I can't do and want to do or even need to do.

I have been having a lot of trouble with my car and I have to get a new car. Well, a used car, but new to me. I live in the middle of no where, there is no public transportation, I cannot be stuck here without a car. It is a mile to the nearest store, and while I could walk a mile there and back, at least most days, with my back problems I could carry very little home in the way of groceries. And all my doctors are far away. I have to have a car.

Well, I do not have much money for a car, so my options are very limited. It is becoming apparent to me I am not going to be able to find anything in any kind of decent condition for what I can spend. And it is using up a lot of spoons looking. So my first thought was, well, I need to work more to make more money, and I also need to spend less money, so I should cut back on my acupuncture appointments.

And then I thought about that for a minute. That would have worked, maybe 12 years ago. But now? Work more and do the only thing that helps me manage my pain less? That sounds like a sure recipe for disaster. I can't do that.

But that is the only way I am going to be able to get a car and I need a car. And I want to be able to do it. I want to be able to work hard and then get what I need. I want to be able to do it and I just know I can't.

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