Why Kids Don't Tell When They Are Abused

Today I was watching an old episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show and she was interviewing a teenage boy who was arrested and convicted for killing a family friend who had sexually abused him repeatedly.  Oprah said something I thought was very insightful.  She was talking about why kids don't tell when they are abused, especially when they are sexually abused, and she said that when a child is abused for the first time and doesn't tell, then when they are abused the second time, it becomes that much harder to tell.  Kids feel guilt and shame about what's happening to them, but they also feel guilt and shame about not telling, and they know that people will ask why they didn't tell sooner or why they kept going back to the abuser after it happened the first time.

I'd never thought about that before.  I've thought about why kids don't tell, and I understand the many reasons they don't, but I never considered how it gets harder and harder to tell the longer the abuse goes on.

Why don't kids tell when they are being abused?  The specific reasons might differ from case to case, but usually include several of the following:

• They are afraid because the abuser has threatened to hurt them and/or their family members if they tell.
• They are embarrassed or ashamed.
• They think it's their fault (and may have been told by the abuser that it was their fault).
• They think no one will believe them (and gee, what happened when I told my mother?  She still doesn't believe me).
• They are afraid they will get in trouble (and may have been told this by the abuser).
• They are afraid people will be mad at them (and may have been told this by the abuser).
• They are afraid the abuser will be sent to jail (and the abuser is often a family member or someone they love).
• They are afraid they will be taken away from their family and placed in foster care.
• They don't know how to talk about it (when I was first sexually abused, I was pretty young.  I did not know the words "sexual abuse."  I didn't know the words "molested" or "raped."  I didn't even have the words to talk about what was happening to me).